


Perpetually Wicked (Kylo Ren x Reader)

by renperor



Category: Kylo Ren - Fandom, Kylo Ren smut - Fandom, Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Ben Solo - Freeform, Conflicted Kylo Ren, Dark Kylo Ren, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Force-Sensitive Reader, Gen, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Jealous Kylo Ren, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Training, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren/You - Freeform, Lots of Sex, M/M, Miscarriage, Multi, Old Friends, Opposing Sides, Past Love, Possessive Kylo Ren, Protect Kylo Ren, Protective Kylo Ren, Reader is also a medic, Reader-Insert, Redemption, Romance, Sad Kylo Ren, Seduction to the Dark Side, Slow Burn, Smut, Snoke Being a Dick, Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers, The Dark Side of the Force, The Force, The Light Side of the Force, Tragic Romance, Young Ben Solo, balance, honestly, kylo ren smut, or maybe not
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-02-28 08:47:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13267881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renperor/pseuds/renperor
Summary: Ben Solo, your first love, is not at all how you remember him. Instead, he is Kylo Ren, commander of the First Order--but perhaps you aren't how he remembers you, either.





	1. The Lightsaber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lightsaber of your old flame lands you in a world of trouble with the Commander of the First Order.

            Naboo was an amicable planet, as far as you were concerned. Granted, you were not one for politics anymore, as you had come to the tranquil planet to escape your conflict, so it was plausible that Naboo had become politically affiliated over the last decade. It seemed that there was no corner of the galaxy that the First Order would not bother.

            Huffing, you tucked your blaster under your mattress and prepared to step outside. You ran a careful eye over the contents of your tidy home, making sure nothing you possessed could be perceived as a threat. You had heard about the “routine checks” performed by Stormtroopers but had never thought that you would live to see the day that your home in the countryside of Naboo would be susceptible to such an inspection.

            A sharp knock sounded at the door just as you finished tucking your cherished pendant under your loose fitting shirt. “Open up!” called a garbled voice, no doubt belonging to one of the helmet-heads.

            You opened your heavy door, a terse smile on your face. Before you, an array of ‘troopers stood in a single-file line, save for the culprit who had initiated the interaction. He stood placidly by your door, his white mask gleaming.

            “How may I be of assistance?” you asked plainly, fighting to keep the ire from your tone.

            “We have been searching the galaxy for any sign of a BB-unit, said to be carrying important information concerning only the First Order. We are under orders to search all residences.” came the answer.

            You raised your eyebrows at him. “You think such a droid would seek refuge on Naboo?”

            “I do not think anything, ma’am, I am here on orders.”

            “No, of course. Sorry. Come right in.” you stood aside as the squadron of ‘troopers marched through the threshold and into your home. They began to overturn your belongings, and you cringed as they emptied a basket of clean laundry onto the floor.

            “I can assure you, I am not hiding any—” you stopped short as you saw one of the ‘troopers reaching into a wicker basket which was stored above your cupboard. The very basket that held—

            “What the world?” exclaimed the ‘trooper, the reverberating shock coming through the garbled helmet. In his gloved hand, he held the gleaming hilt of the lightsaber.

            Your entire body tensed, and you squeezed your eyes shut to chastise yourself for leaving a weapon of such importance in such an accessible position. The lightsaber remained to gather dust for years, and you could have buried it—or sold it long ago. The Jedi had been disbanded, and now the weapon brought back nothing but shame and melancholy. You should have gotten rid of it. But it belonged to _him_.

            “I can explain that,” you told him quickly, but to no avail. His comrades had surrounded you, cautiously, as though you might attack them with the Force at any given moment. It did cross your mind, briefly, but you had not felt a connection to the Force in years and doubted that you could lift so much as a feather, much less fight a room full of armed soldiers. 

            “Surrender yourself, Jedi.” called one.

            “I am not a Jedi!” you exclaimed, “The Jedi no longer exist. And even so, I never _was_ a Jedi.”

            “We are taking you in.”

            “That is really not necessary. I am cooperating—and more importantly, I am telling you the truth. I have no affiliation with the Jedi religion, nor do I harbor ill-will against the First Order.” you reasoned, hoping that your sincerity would come through. Your words were true, for the most part, save for the ill-will-harboring. Of course, you did nothing to actively bring down the First Order, but if the regime were to fall, you wouldn’t mourn it.

            “I know nothing of any droid.”

            “Come on.” one of the Stormtroopers grabbed you roughly by the arm and pulled you toward a large waiting ship which glinted dangerously in the distance. 

____________________ 

            The walk to the ship was degrading, your curious yet somewhat horrified neighbors watching as the fleet of ‘troopers marched with you in tow. Once you arrived; however, the humiliation was the last thing on your mind. The air was taught with electricity, and through the Force, you were able to sense a darkness that you had never felt before. It was the first time that you had felt a connection to the Force in years, and now it flooded through you as though in warning.

            The ship seemed to be standard First Order issue, it’s only distinguishable feature being the large silver wings that folded into a perch. That said, you did not know a great deal about ships, as you rarely travelled—nor could you pilot one. 

            “It is a Command Shuttle,” a deep, mechanized voice sounded from behind you. As you tried to turn to see it’s source, you were shoved forwards roughly by the two ‘troopers who escorted you.

            “It is fine. Leave us,” ordered the voice. Instantly, the ‘troopers released you, and you withdrew your arms, rubbing them from where the iron-clad cuffs had confined you. Hesitantly, you turned to face the speaker, no doubt their leader. He was force-sensitive, you gathered, as he was able to read your defenseless thoughts. The slightest prick ebbed the back of your mind, and you willed him out of your head with every ounce of the Force you could muster. As your eyes fell on his mask, you sucked in a breath.

            Kylo Ren. The dark figure was tall and broad-shouldered. Aside from that, any features he possessed were indistinguishable, as he was completely shrouded in a dark cloak and cowl. The mask was menacing, lined with silver divots which made any hopes of a human-like appearance virtually impossible.

            “Sir,” you were unsure how to address him, “I was brought here resulting from a small misunderstanding—” you began.

            “I understand that you had a lightsaber in your possession, is this true?” he asked dryly, knowing full well that was the case. He spoke as though he was irritated to be interrupted from his true mission, but you noticed that he was curious enough to interrogate you himself. The voice, distorted and somewhat mechanical, had a certain edge to it, a desperation for the truth.

            “Well, yes, but if I may explain you will see that I am no Jedi. My loyalty is…my loyalty is to the First Order.” At this, he scoffed. “You may be no Jedi, but your thoughts betray you. I know exactly what you think of the First Order.”

            You clenched your jaw, focusing the Force on constructing your mental barrier, as Master Luke had taught you. You were unpracticed. With a great deal of effort, your thoughts quieted, and your face resumed a stoic position. The figure seemed amused at this, and one gloved hand reached out to pull your chin up to look at him.

            “You have had training,” he remarked, his tone mocking. In turn, you regarded him blankly. “What can you do?” he asked.

            “My instruction is very limited. I am of no use to you. I wish to be left in peace.” your tone was a step away from pleading. You had heard the rumors about Kylo Ren; a ruthless ill-tempered commander with a gift for the Force. He was truly the last person you wished to encounter—you had moved to Naboo to avoid any form conflict and ties to your past.

            The figure of Kylo Ren regarded you quizzically, with the slight tilt of his head as he studied you. “I know that you are of no use to me. You tell the truth—your training in the Force is most definitely minimal. And your connection to the Force is seemingly dormant.”

            His analysis stung a little, but you knew that he was right. Your training with Master Luke had been interrupted by the slaughter of his apprentices. Save for you. You, who was visiting with your dying father at the time. Upon your return, the camp had since been razed to the ground, with its inhabitants dead or vanished. That had been the end of the Jedi, gone up in plumes of smoke and ash. You had long since repressed your connection to the Force and tried to forget your origin. The lightsaber had been your last connection to your past—and Ben Solo. You had found his green saber in the rubble, and out of sentiment, you found yourself routinely unwilling to part with it.

            “Who trained you?” asked the Commander, lurching you out of the past. Your heartbeat quickened as the reality of the situation sank in. Luke Skywalker had been a sworn enemy of the Empire, and likely a great threat to the First Order was he alive. You decided that it was in your best interest to stay silent and not advertise any—no matter how minute—connection to him. Despite your best efforts, you felt the intrusive prick again, at the back of your skull. He had breached your mind.

            “Sir?” a Stormtrooper interrupted, holding the gleaming hilt of the sheathed lightsaber in his black-and-white-gloved hands.

            The pricking sensation in your mind eased as Kylo Ren turned to examine the lightsaber. He took it roughly from the ‘trooper, whirling back around to ignite it, inches from your face. The burning green light reflected on his mask and surely your face as well. The hum of pure energy caused your heart to race, and you took a fearful step back.

            “Where did you get this?” he asked, his voice coming off a deadly cold, even through the mask.

            “I-it…” you stopped yourself, unshed tears pricking your eyes. You would not answer him. You could not answer him.

            “Destroy it.” he ordered the ‘trooper, thrusting it back into the waiting hands of his subordinate.

            A surge of fear welled up in your chest. “No!” you cried out, thoughtlessly throwing out your hand. The saber twitched ever-so-slightly in the hands of the ‘trooper. For what seemed like an eternity, all was still.

            Kylo Ren regarded you enigmatically, although the masked man was naturally unreadable.  Panting hard, you managed a weak ‘please’. Your eyes, which were overtly focused on Ben’s ‘saber, fought back the tears that threatened to fall. It was all you had left of him; the man you had loved. The man you _still_ loved.

            With a dismissive wave of a gloved hand, the Stormtrooper was sent away, the untouched lightsaber as his cargo. Your eyes followed him as he disappeared into the ship, taking with him the relic of your past.

            “Bring her into the holding brig.” Ren ordered another ‘trooper, before entering the gleaming ship himself.

            The Stormtrooper who lead you into the ‘Command Shuttle’ was no taller than you, and you briefly wondered whether or not you could overpower them. No, you decided, escape was likely futile. Even if you managed to escape your escort, the dozens of ‘troopers outside would surely blast you to smithereens before you could set foot on solid ground.

            That in mind, you obediently allowed the ‘trooper to guide you into a small room. The space was unfurnished, painted grey, and hardly bigger than a washroom. Great. The door was quickly shut behind you, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You sat in the back corner, leaning against the wall, arms resting on your knees, which were drawn to your chest. At some point, you felt the ship lurch, and you figured that you were now in the air. You closed your eyes and drifted to the past, seeking comfort from the present.

 _________________________ 

            Your mind found its way to Ben, and his warm brown eyes reassured you. Memories flooded back; memories that you tried so hard to repress.

            When you first met Ben Solo, you had just turned twenty and begun your training with Luke Skywalker. Ben was the nephew of the man himself, which caused conflicted and unintentional feelings of resentment within you. You had worked tirelessly, sacrificing everything, to earn a spot as an apprentice of Master Skywalker—by no means was every Force-sensitive granted the opportunity to be trained in the ways of the Jedi. You and your peers had been training for months when he arrived, immediately the favorite of the Master.

            It did not take you long to realize that it was not just nepotism that put Ben in the forefront—his gift with the Force was unheard of. It both impressed and irked you, and he must have picked up on this, as he, too, seemed to keep an eye on you. The Force was with you as well, and you were up in the ranks, likely around third in your class. As a result, Ben would typically choose to spar with you. He never went down easily and exuded an air of confidence that could easily be mistaken for cockiness. In turn, you sassed him at every opportunity, and when you _did_ win a match, you were exponentially smug.

            Despite the nephew of Luke Skywalker handing it to you on a regular basis, you found yourself looking forward to training. Perhaps you were just a dedicated pupil. Or, perhaps, it was because you found Ben undeniably attractive, with his raven black locks which framed his sharp features—accompanied by full lips and warm brown eyes. Perhaps it was the way that Ben’s eyes begun to light up when he saw you, and how his lips often concealed a smile upon meeting your gaze. He seemed to share similar sentiments about you, occasionally tossing flirtatious remarks your way.

            In time, the two of you became inseparable. You cherished the long walks you would take together, just talking about anything and everything. He became your one, the one who you wanted to tell about your day, good or bad, and listen to him tell you of his in return. Ben had a way of making even the most mundane tasks interesting, as you simply liked his company.

            You had just gotten back to your tent when he kissed you for the first time. You were sweaty from training and frustrated with yourself for not doing as well as you had hoped. Your emotions had been raging, and you had taken it out on him, which you regretted deeply. Dejectedly, you let yourself fall onto your cot and let out a heavy sigh. Before you could further chastise yourself or brood over your misgivings, Ben’s voice sounded softly from outside: “Can I come in?”

            You told him yes without hesitation, the guilt from the harsh words you had exchanged earlier weighing on you. He entered your tent, his large frame ducking awkwardly under the flaps of the door. You propped yourself up on one arm, looking at him. In the light of your lantern, you could clearly see that he was concerned. Not angry. Not upset. Concerned. Another stab of guilt flashed through you.

            “I am so sorry that I snapped at you,” you told him, biting your lips in anticipation of his response.

            “ _I_ am sorry. I should never have pushed you,” he responded, hesitantly nearing your cot. 

            A smile graced your features as you rose to meet him. “Don’t you dare take the blame for my actions. And I promise to never call you a ‘dense bastard’ again.”

            A coy smile played on his lips. “I love it when you talk dirty.”

            “Oh really?” your breath seemed to catch in your throat as he leaned in, your brain going into overdrive. _Is he going to kiss me? Oh kriff, he is really going to kiss me!_

            You leaned in to meet him, your lips coming together softly, his hands resting on your waist. Your right hand tentatively touched his cheek and your left was placed gently on his chest. He tasted of salt from the sweat of the training and something sweet as well. You deepened the kiss, his mouth moving urgently to meet yours. He pulled you closer and you were chest to chest when he finally pulled away, playfully biting your lower lip and eliciting a moan from you before drawing back. And there the two of you stood, panting heavily and staring at each other, both too shocked to move.

            He was the first to react, brushing a tendril of your hair out of your face with a tender hand.

            “That was… _wow_.” you murmured, cheeks hot, still feeling the sensation of his lips on yours. You still stood dangerously close, your breasts pressed against his chest, heaving as you caught your breath.

            “You are so incredibly beautiful.” he breathed, looking down at you with affection... and something else that you didn’t quite recognize. Lust? Before you had a chance to act, the bell rang for dinner, and the two of you jumped apart as though you had been burned.

            Despite your concerns, there was no awkwardness that ensued between the two of you after the kiss. You fell back into your old routine of a flirtatious friendship, but sometimes you caught him looking at you wistfully. And when he wasn’t looking you would steal an appreciative glance. Romance was forbidden amongst the Jedi, a rule of which you were both very much aware. But before long, you found yourselves sneaking off to be together. It was risky and uncouth, but you were drawn to him like no other.

            You would sneak off into the woods to have picnics, and then he would take you right there, against a tall oak tree. After dark, you would sneak into his tent and the two of you would lie together and talk about a future that you would never have.

            Training with him became difficult, as you would always blush like mad when he pinned you to the ground. After a few suggestive comments from your peers, you both reluctantly decided that you were better off training with different partners, for secrecy’s sake.

            Not seeing him as much during the day made your heart ache, and it didn’t help that his new partner was objectively the most beautiful woman you had ever seen. You tried to fight the feelings of jealousy, but every time she joined the two of you for lunch you seemed to lose your appetite.

            One particular day, she touched his arm playfully, and he teasingly pushed her lightly in return. A pang of hurt flashed through you, but you forced it down and flashed them a smile. _It was just a light brush of contact, there is nothing to be jealous about._

            “Well, I have got to go back to training, so, uh, nice eating lunch with you both,” you had stood up to leave.

            Ben raised his eyebrows at you, confusion swirling in his brown eyes. “We still have half an hour,” he objected.

            “Mhm,” you said pleasantly, “I just want to get some extra practice in.” 

            Over the course of the next several weeks, they became even closer, and she seemed to be ever-present during lunch hours. You found yourself turning more and more to practice. He would sometimes mention her when talking about his day, and you would frown ever so slightly at the mention of her name. Castaneda. He called her ‘Cas’.

            Despite your efforts to suppress the way you were feeling, your thoughts kept haunting you. Did he like her? Did he not want to spend time with you? Deciding that you were being unreasonable, you tried to put on a brave face. You said nothing of it and bit your tongue to prevent yourself from saying anything to her that could be perceived as sarcastic or disrespectful, which proved difficult. These weeks were hellish, and you had never felt so conflicted. On one hand, you had all of your faith placed in him, but on the other hand, you were scared. It was the first time in your life that you felt this way about someone, and you were not even _supposed_ to feel this way. You were so terribly scared.

            One night, as per usual, you went to sneak into Ben’s tent, but he was not there. It was well past eleven, and he was always in his tent by nine. Your heart sank, and you left feeling quite numb. It was a shock, as a part of yourself had always considered your jealousy to be irrational and unwarranted. Perhaps it was denial. By the time you left his tent, silent tears stained your cheeks. Fury lit your steps, and by the time you reached your tent, you were fuming.

            As you went to set your jacket on the chair by your desk, you noticed a familiar figure sitting on your cot.

            “Ben?” you furrowed your brows at him, “What are you doing here?” your jacket fell to the floor.

            His face lit up with alarm at your devastated expression. “To see you, of course. What in the hell's is the matter?” he was at your side in an instant, his large hands gently brushing away your tears. The feel of his touch brought you back to the moment, grounding you in him.

            “I thought- I- where were you?” your tone must have come off as accusing, as Ben seemed taken aback.

            “You did not honestly think that I would? With _Cas_? Is that what this is about? Is that what has been up with you lately?” he frowned.

            “I don’t know,” you muttered. He looked hurt at this, and let the hand that had been at your cheek fall to his side.

            “Ben, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to feel this way, it just…you just…and then when…” you finally broke, sobs wracking your body. It felt good to finally voice your fears aloud, but the look on his face was tearing you apart. Before you could speak again, to comfort him, his arms were wrapped tightly around you, pulling you close. You buried your head in the crook of his chest and relaxed into his touch. Finally, he spoke.

            “Nothing happened between her and I. Never. _You_ are my girl. I love you. I am indefinitely yours.” as he spoke, you felt his hot breath fan across your neck, sending chills down your spine.

            Love. He said love. Your heart fluttered wildly as you turned to face him. When your eyes met, you had the biggest smile on your face. He was smiling too, eyes twinkling brightly as he gazed down at you.

            “I love you, Ben Solo.”

            He planted a lingering kiss on your forehead and went back to your cot, emerging with a small jar of red roses. “This is why I was late. I figured that you would come back here first, so I waited to surprise you. It has been half a year, you know. It’s an anniversary of sorts.”

            “An anniversary? I accused you of an affair on our _anniversary_? Oh, Ben, I am so terribly sorry,” you laughed at yourself, “and the flowers are so terribly beautiful.”

            “As are you. I am sorry that I have been so busy lately. Not seeing you has been tearing me apart.” he murmured, pulling you close again.

            “Me too,” you whispered in agreement, relaxing against him.

            “But there is one thing I need to make clear.”

            “Yes?”  
            “Doubt me again, and there will be consequences.”

             Looking up, you noticed the dangerous smirk that he possessed. Ah, the Solo smirk. “What kind of consequences, exactly?” you inquired innocently.

            You took each other to bed, uncaring that others were sleeping in the tents surrounding you. As he thrust into you, you bit your lip hard to prevent from yourself from crying out, and your nails dug into his—

 

            The door to your temporary holding “room” opened suddenly, startling you. Above your sitting form, towered the infamous, ever-present, Kylo Ren. He closed the door firmly behind him and motioned with one gloved hand for you to stand. Heart thumping in your chest, you rose to meet him, jutting out your jaw in defiance.

            “What was your connection to that lightsaber?” he asked flatly, sounding rather indifferent, if not overtly unenthusiastic about the entire situation.

            “Listen, _Commander Ren_ , I do not want to be here anymore that you want me here, so how about we make this nice and easy and you let me go?” you figured that it was a moot point to negotiate your release, but you had to try.

            “Oh _sure_ ,” the voice said dryly, “I took you aboard my ship just so you could lie to me and then I figured I’d just ‘ _let you go’_.” his tone was biting, even through the voice modulator of his mask.

            “I take it that ‘nice and easy’ is not First Order policy?” you gave him a thinly veiled look of contempt in the form of a smile. Your mind flickered to Ben’s lightsaber, and you wondered if it had been destroyed. A pang of heartbreak gripped your chest, and you were sure that it showed plainly on your face.

            The masked man seemed slightly taken aback at your reaction and unconsciously reached for you, before drawing back his hand as though you had bitten him. He circled you slowly, footsteps heavy, and seemed to give you a once-over. Finally, he left without a word.  

            You sat still for what seemed like hours until the door was opened once again. A tray of food was slid in your general direction, along with a cup water. The steel door slid shut with a whoosh before you could identify who had brought your meal. Likely a Stormtrooper, ordered to keep you alive until Ren could divulge the truth.  

            Time was impossible to gauge in the windowless room and it was very disorienting. Judging by the meal it was some time after lunch, but you had no idea whether the food was brought to you on time or if you were an afterthought. Fantastic. You were trapped. The lightsaber had gotten you in a world of trouble, but you wanted nothing more than to have it back. It had been gathering dust in that damn wicker basket for years, but its presence brought you comfort in the darkest of times. Whenever your heart was strong enough to think of Ben, you would lay it on your bedside table. It made you feel safe.

            Sleep finally found you, and you awoke to a dinner tray sliding across the metal floor. You lay on your side, curled up into a fetal position. Opening your eyes, you caught a glimpse of black boots and the tail of a robe before the door whooshed shut. Had Kylo Ren himself brought you your food? Odd, you thought. He must be very concerned about the lightsaber. Perhaps you should just come clean about it. Then you could go home and pretend that this chain of events had never transpired.

            In the morning, you decided, when your breakfast arrived, you would ask for the Commander and tell the truth.

            When the breakfast tray arrived, you found yourself in such a state of hunger that you briefly forgot about your plan. Suddenly, it all came back to you, and not wanting to wait another four hours until lunchtime, you called out.

            “Wait! I need to speak with the Commander.” You sat up, hair flying in every direction. You must have looked like a mad woman.

            Kylo Ren hesitated in the doorway, his gaze presumably fixed on you. Finally, he stepped into the room, and the door shut automatically behind him. Being in the same room with him, especially one so confined, made you feel even smaller than you had when he had towered over you in the hallway.

            “Are you ready to talk?” he asked brusquely.

            “Yes, sir. I just—why do you bring me my meals?” curiosity got the best of you yet again, even when it was clear you should have held your tongue.

            “Competence is hard to come by,” he answered stiffly, “Now my turn. The lightsaber. Why did you have it?”

            You drew in a sharp breath. “It belonged to a man I knew. He was…important to me, and after his death, I kept his lightsaber. Sure, I understand that it looks suspicious and countless times I _did_ logically think to get rid of it, but it is all that I have left of him and I—”

            “Enough. And your training? You trained under Skywalker. Why repress your connection to the Force?”

            You did not know how he knew that you had trained under Master Skywalker, but you did not deny it. Another shaky breath left your lips. What this man was asking of you included things that you hardly had the strength to speak of. “S-someone killed Be—this man. And the rest of Skywalker’s apprentices—and likely even Skywalker himself. You must know that. During the slaughter, I felt the Force stronger than ever before, and it tore me apart. A pull to the darkness, the loss of the light. I was…I was with child at the time, but I lost the baby.” You were trembling now; hearing your story aloud upset you more than predicted. Your hand unconsciously rested on your stomach, where your child had once been.

            The dark figure, who had remained still this entire time, reached a shaky hand to the wall in order to balance himself. You furrowed your brows at him. You imagined that he was weighing the validity of your statements, which was confirmed when you felt the subtle pain in the back of your head. The memories flooded back, and other than a soft gasp you showed no indication of pain.

 

            Standing, overlooking the grounds where the Temple had once been, is when the pain started. A gripping pain, in both your heart and your abdomen, took over. It was a thrashing, stabbing pain—greater than anything you had ever felt before. Dark spots clouded your vision and a dull ringing sounded in your ears. You collapsed and made no motion to call out for help as blood ran down your legs. Now, you had lost everything. You waited to die, clutching Ben’s lightsaber to your chest. Finally, the pain knocked you out and you awoke in several days later, with all that you loved,  _gone_.

            “Madam is awake!” a voice called dimly from afar.

            “Ben!” you rasped, struggling to regain consciousness. Everything was dark and muddled, and it felt as though a great Force was pulling you down. Your chest felt heavy and you struggled to breathe, finding yourself gasping for air.

            “Madam! Madam can you hear me!” a stout man came into view, his red face just inches from yours. You scrambled backward, your head lightly bumping the wall.

            “So sorry madam, many apologies.” said the man, taking a step back as not to be intrusive. He held his hands up by his ears to indicate that he was not to be perceived as a threat. You regarded him warily, a deep sadness washing over you. Ben was gone. Ben was… your child! Your hand flew down to your stomach, a gripping feeling of fear and dread the only thing you knew.

            “I am sorry for that, too, madam. We did all that we could.”

            A sob tore from your lips as you doubled over in pain, gripping the sheets. “No, no, no! It isn’t fair! I need Ben! I need _Ben_! Why isn’t he here? This isn’t fair. I love him _so much_. He can’t be gone. I need him here. I can’t…I can’t…please, I can’t…” you were hyperventilating now, anger and panic bubbling to the surface.

            “Madam, I need you to remain calm. You are hurt, madam.” the little man said soothingly, urging you back into bed.

            “No! Get away from me! Get the hell away from me!” you hurled your pillow across the room and let out an anguished scream, falling to your feet. Your legs gave out instantly, and you crumpled to the floor in despair. You made no move to get up, welcoming the cold tiles under your cheek. A shocked calm fell over your body as your vision began to fade again.

            “I need help getting her up.”

            “On three.”

            You awoke once more, much to your despair. The little man was replaced by a middle-aged woman. She looked friendly enough, with kindly eyes and flecks of grey running through her brown hair.

            “Hello.” she murmured softly, as though not to provoke you. When she received no answer, she offered you what looked like broth in a small orange bowl.

            “No,” you said despondently, pushing it away.

            She regarded you for a moment, before placing the bowl carefully on your nightstand. “Who is Ben? Was he the father?”

            You glared at her but nodded. He was. He _was_ the father. Now he was not. There was no child and there was no Ben. The entire world seemed different, colder, and utterly meaningless. _Things would never be the same._ You just wanted to sleep; you wanted to forget.

            “Here you are, honey. This is yours I believe?” she offered you the hilt of the lightsaber that you had been in possession of. _His_ lightsaber. She likely did not know that it was a lightsaber, or she would not have handed it to you in this state.

            Tears streamed silently down your cheeks as you held it tightly, imagining his strong hands around yours, holding it with you. For a brief second, you felt alright, and your breaths slowed. Then, the moment was gone, replaced by the fact that he would never hold you close again. The pain in your chest swelled up, and the woman put a comforting hand on your arm.

            “It gets easier, honey. I know that you don’t believe me right now, but it does. You’re going to be okay.” she offered, earning a hard stare.

            “I will never be okay. I have lost everything,” your voice cracked, and you squeezed the lightsaber tighter. For a brief second, you thought of igniting it into yourself. Heart pounding in your chest, you instead placed it down lightly on your bedside table.

            “I am not going to lie to you, honey, it will be hard. At times, it will be impossible. But you will feel better again. Happy even, if you let yourself,” she said gently, “You have been through a lot, honey, but next week we will start rebuilding your life.”  

            And so you would, with the help of Jeod and Maria, and, eventually, Naboo.

 

            Kylo Ren recoiled as though he had been shot, pulling out of your mind, and, in a whirl of black, he left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this wasn't terribly confusing. I don't want to italicize the flashbacks because I find that harder to read, but if that works better for all of you then let me know! I'm not overly happy with this chapter but I have some better ones to come :)


	2. The Supremacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are a semi-prisoner and discover a shocking truth.

            Kylo Ren did not return to you after your last exchange. He did not release you, either. Instead, you were dragged out of the holding cell on the Command Shuttle and escorted out onto the bay of a magnanimous spaceship. Engineers, piolets, and droids bustled around the assortment of dark-colored ships that lined the loading dock. As you descended from the ship, escorted by two Stormtroopers, you noticed a series of lingering stares directed at you and held your head high, defiantly marching through the crowd and into the lift.

            The gigantic craft you were now on was modern, and from what you could discern, it had many complex levels. It must be _The_ _Supremacy_ , you realized. More or less the base of the First Order. The ship of the Supreme Leader. It was as intimidating as advertised, with an unnerving grey, black, and silver color scheme. Your Stormtrooper escorts let you down a series of identical looking hallways, and you found yourself feeling slightly nauseous under the fluorescent lights. How did anyone find their way around this place? 

            “Wait here,” ordered the ‘trooper on your left, as he entered a daunting room.

            After what seemed like an eternity, a red-haired officer emerged from the room, his icy blue eyes cutting into you like daggers. You kept quiet as he studied you wordlessly, furrowing his brows at you. You offered him a light smile against your better judgment.

            “Why are you here?” he asked curiously.

            “She was in possession—” the ‘trooper began, before getting cut off.

            “Did I ask you, LN-3397?” hissed the officer, before turning back to you with a chilling smile.

            “Commander Ren brought me in,” you began, frowning at the expression on the man’s face, “…because I was in possession of a lightsaber.”  
           

            “Kylo Ren brought you here? Because you had a _lightsaber_.” he sneered at this.

            “Yes, sir,” you mumbled, confused.

            “I see. I am General Hux, and I will be seeing to your release,” he said dismissively, nodding toward the ‘troopers, who let go of you at his command. The general gestured for you to follow him and you obliged.

            “My…release?” you asked, perking up a bit at this.

            Hux nodded, motioning for you to follow him down the hall. “Yes. We need to wait for an available escort, but you will be transported back to your home planet at the earliest convenience.”

            “Naboo,” you offered. He forced a smile at this. “Yes, Naboo.”

            “And what will happen to me in the meantime?” you asked, still a bit uneasy. Surely the First Order had the resources to return you, so why wait? What wasn’t the general telling you?  
            “You will have a standard issue room, and you are to stay in it. Meals will be brought to you, along with clean clothes and any other _conveniences_ you require,” he answered briskly.

            “Clean clothes are hardly a convenience,” you pointed out.

            “Clearly, they are, to some,” he looked at you with something resembling disdain, “Come on, this is you.”

            Ignoring the comment of the general, you stepped inside your temporary new room. It was simple, yet larger than anything that you were used to. A queen sized bed was positioned in the center of the room, bordered by two nightstands. A washroom was off to the left, and a decent sized desk sat adjacent to the door.

            “Satisfactory?” asked Hux, sounding smug.

            You gave him a sarcastic smile. “It will do.”

            The first thing that you did once he had left was strip out of your dirty garments, tossing them carelessly by the door. You drew yourself a warm bath, sighing in relief as you slipped into the steamy water. Leaning your head back against the edge of the tub, you let out a moan of satisfaction. As the water lapped around you, your mind wandered again to the past. That had been happening a lot lately—it was as though the door had been opened again, the door that had been so difficult to shut out before.

 ______________________________

            It was after a particularly brutal training session that your shoulders burned and your neck ached. The padawans had been instructed to take an ice bath to relieve the soreness in their muscles, but the idea did not appeal to you. A cold shower would suffice.

            Ben stood in his tent, a towel draped loosely around his hips, frowning at a steel tub filled to the brim with ice water.

            “Not you too,” you laughed at his bewildered expression.

            “Oh, you are not getting out of this,” he smirked at you, “get in with me.”

            “There is no way that we are both fitting in _that_ ,” you protested, gesturing at the steel container, which looked just big enough to submerge Ben to his midriff.

            He regarded you suggestively. “I can think of a way.”

            “If I got on top of you, you mean?” you asked innocently.

            “Problem-solving,” he winked at you, “ _great_ idea.”

            Now it was your turn to smirk. “After you, Solo.”

            He saluted you and dropped the towel, wincing slightly as he gingerly brought himself down into the freezing water. Once he was situated, you slowly stripped down, taking your sweet time as he eyed you salaciously. You dipped your toes into the icy mixture, hissing as the cold shocked your system. Ben tsked impatiently, mirth in his eyes as you shot him a glare. Refusing to complain, you lowered yourself into the water, your thighs meeting his.

            As the glacial liquid washed over you, you let out a strangled cry, which was silenced by his lips on yours. You welcomed the distraction, getting lost in his touch. He turned his attention to your breasts, swirling his tongue over your protruding nipples, which had hardened due to the cold and your arousal. His hot breath contrasted with the icy concoction that sent tingles through your body, and you eagerly arched into him. You shifted position so that you could rub on his hardening cock, eliciting a rumbling moan from your satisfied partner. As he claimed your body with love-bites and lavish kisses, you ran your hands through his raven locks, tugging them as the pressure built; a pool of heat forming as you readied yourself for him. You whined in anticipation, your breathing quickening with your motions as you straddled him.

            “I would normally say something coy right now, but I can’t wait any longer,” he whispered in your ear, his voice husky.

            “Oh, Solo, please, I would _love_ to hear what you have to say,” you taunted, grinning at the dark look on his face.

            He let out a low chuckle. “Now you’re asking for it.”

            “Indeed I am. You going to fuck me or not?” you quipped, gasping as he thrust into you without warning, his expression smug. Your nails raked across his broad shoulders as his cock rammed into you, filling every inch. Water sloshed over the sides of the tub as the two of you moved frantically against each other. His hand found your clit, and you inhaled sharply as he strategically swept over it with an ice cube.

            “Pl-please…oh god… _Ben_ ,” you bit your lip hard, suppressing a whimper. The pressure continued to build as he fucked you. He brushed his lips against yours as you rode him, his breaths becoming more ragged. “Fuck, Ben,” you moaned into his shoulder, feeling him pulse inside you with his release. You tightened around him, burying your head in the crook of his neck to keep from crying out. His voice dropped an octave as he growled out your name, followed by a string of expletives as he—

            

            A knock at the door caused your eyes to fly open, hands rushing to your chest.

            “Miss? Are you alright?” a feminine voice called out timidly after a moment’s hesitation.

            “Just fine!” you managed, hand flying to your mouth. Had you been moaning? A scarlet flush spread across your cheeks as the realization set in.

            “I set out some fresh clothes and linens on your bed, and your dinner is on your nightstand.” replied the woman lightly, reassured enough that you were alright.

            “Thanks,” the humiliation dissipated slightly as you heard her exit the room. You would be back home on Naboo soon enough, you figured, sighing to yourself. But this was the last time you would allow yourself to think of the past, you vowed.

             Uneventful days continued to pass as you anxiously awaited your release. The general had implied that it would be no more than a few days until these vague “resources” became available, (an escort, he had said?) but apparently, someone was intent keeping you longer. You wondered if the Commander had been dissatisfied with your answer, or if he was punishing you for your previous connection to the Resistance.  Of course, you had never told him that you had been a Resistance medic for a few years, but if he had known your true thoughts on the First Order, he likely knew the root of them as well.

            What you found most disconcerting; however, was the strange and foreign presence that ebbed and flowed in the back of your mind. Strange headaches seemed to fluctuate throughout the day, and you often felt drained and frail. Shaking it off as some sort of time lag, you maintained a scheduled sleeping pattern despite your exhaustion, as a feeble effort to maintain your circadian rhythm.  Since you had decided to forego naps, you needed to find some other way to busy yourself during the day. Folding laundry, taking long baths, savoring meals, and exercising was the best that you could come up with. Monotony inevitably settled in; however, and the frustration started to boil over. The next time that your reticent handmaiden (as you had taken to calling her; she gave you no name or position) came to bring your dinner, you decided to speak to her.

             “Hello,” you chirped, trying to make yourself as approachable as possible. She regarded you with heavy suspicion. “Have you, perhaps, heard anything of my release?” you continued at her silence.

            “Why would I have? I clean the rooms, fetch your meals, and follow the orders of Commander Ren. Do you think that I have any executive knowledge of you?” she skittered around you, placing fresh towels on the bed before heading for the door.

            “I see,” you were bemused at her response, “but if you hear anything, would you be so kind as to inform me?”

            “If I am instructed to do so by my commander, then yes,” she answered.

            “I don’t see the harm in telling me of _my_ freedom,” you argued.

            “Commander Ren has reasons for everything he does. He is a most excellent man, and only _he_ decides when you will or will not be released. That is policy,” she stated, hurrying out of the room before you could respond. For a shy little thing, she had quite the vocabulary. And a tendency to suck up to Kylo Ren, you figured. Out of fear, perhaps, or maybe something else judging by her vehement defense for his character and _policy_ … you shuddered. A most excellent man indeed.

            Dejected at your lack of success with the only person whom you routinely saw, you leaned against the wall and slid down it, curling into a dismal ball on the floor. This entire situation was because of _one_ lightsaber that you possessed. You were fairly certain that one lightsaber was not a threat to the First Order. Furthermore, why would they keep you for an extended period of time, in semi-confined luxury, and not interrogate you? For what purpose were you being held? Did they intend to keep you here forever? Surely not. But were they sincere in promising your release? You were not sure of that either.

             Finally, deciding that there might be some truth in the general’s statement and there _was_ a resource dependent plan to return you to your life, you decided to stick it out a little while longer. You got up, dusted yourself off, and finished the meal that you had been brought.

            After you digested your food, you decided to jog around the perimeter of your room, letting your mind wander as you lapped around the span between your bed and the door. Jeod, once a member of the First Order before joining the Resistance, had told you stories of the advanced medical technology that the _Supremacy_ possessed, and you allowed yourself to be impressed. Perhaps you could convince the general to allow you a brief visit to the medbay, if only for a few hours. He had not outright called you a prisoner, so perhaps one simple wish could be granted.

            In the morning, you tried once again to reason with the handmaiden, who now observed you sullenly.

            “I require an audience with General Hux,” you articulated formally, hoping to appeal to whatever sense of policy she regarded so highly. She gaped at you but said nothing.

            “I do not work for the General,” she said finally, looking rather nervous.

            “You work for ‘Commander Ren’, I know” you finished for her, earning a brisk nod. “Fine, then please inform the _commander_ that I would like to speak with his associate, General Hux at the earliest convenience.”

            “I cannot do that either,” she looked minimally apologetic. Despite her timid stature and apparent fear of authority, you found yourself exasperated with her.

            “And _why_ not?” you growled.

            “He is busy today,” she squeaked, “and he will not want to speak with the general either, today of all days.”

            You scoffed angrily at her retreating figure and muttered a curse under your breath. What about today could be so important that Ren and Hux couldn’t have one simple conversation? Perhaps you were not _officially_ a prisoner, but you were beginning to feel more and more like one. Minutes ticked slowly by and your aggravation at being trapped in this blasted room was growing. Slowly but surely, you began to formulate a plan. It had been recommended that you not leave your room but, to your knowledge, it was not enforced…perhaps you could find General Hux yourself.

            The idea began to appeal to you more and more--until you found yourself standing in front of the iron door.

            “Ah, kriff, okay, I can do this,” you said to yourself, opening the door. Much to your relief, it was unlocked, and you cautiously stepped out into the hallway. If you remembered correctly, Hux’s office had been to the left. Or maybe the right.

            Deciding on left, you headed out at a brisk pace, trying to act confident and look like you belonged. You were less likely to be stopped that way. The identical halls seemed even more confusing the second time around, and at each corner, it seemed as though you were looking at the same place you had just been. A few people passed you in the hallway clad in First Order uniform but thankfully paid you little mind. Finally, you arrived at what seemed to be a hub of commotion.

            Stormtroopers, mechanics, droids, and other various people in uniform moved to and fro in the clearing. The all seemed to avoid big red double doors; however, most cautiously keeping their distance. Only two people stood in front of the door, their backs to you. A taller man, dressed entirely in black robes and a red-haired officer. Was that Hux? How many redheads worked for the First Order, exactly?

            He glanced behind him, in your direction, and you were able to confirm that he was, indeed, General Hux. Relieved, you headed towards him until you noticed something crucial that had been sorely overlooked. The dark robed man, his companion, carried the helmet of Kylo Ren under one arm. His hair was as black as his robes, falling to his shoulders in waves. Strange, you thought, that he was not wearing the helmet in front of his subordinates. They seemed to think so too, as they regarded him with interest, although maintaining their distance. You couldn’t get a glimpse of his face, and you certainly did not intend to, despite your curiosity. Shrinking back into the shadows, you hoped that everyone had been too focused on the likes of their commander to notice you.

            Just then, Hux raised his voice.

            “Well, those are the wishes of the Supreme Leader, Ren, do _you_ wish to defy them?” he asked, causing the surrounding activity to cease. Kylo Ren took a threatening step towards the general, which prompted the majority of bystanders to slowly disperse. You remained in the shadows of the empty hallway, looking on, but there was nothing to see. Kylo stalked off in the opposite direction, leaving Hux unscathed but looking slightly shaken as he turned in your direction.

            Deciding that you would be caught looking guilty if you waited to be discovered, you headed towards him.

            “General?” He blinked at you in surprise, his face resuming its usual stony expression. “General Hux, I am sorry to bother you, but I—”

            “What are you doing here?” he asked, a clear warning in his tone.

            “I’m sorry, I was just looking for you. Sir.”

            “Me?” he seemed surprised again, “What for?”

            “I was just wondering…would it be possible for me to help out at the medbay? I’m trained as a medic, and frankly, I am losing my mind with nothing to do,” you looked at him hopefully.

            “I sympathize, I really do, but I need you to remain in your room for now. It is only a few more days, and I cannot have you wandering the ship,” he smiled pleasantly at you, but his words were firm. You were not permitted to leave your room.

            “Message received,” you tried to mask your disappointment, but evidently you did not.

            Hux sighed. “I will walk you back.”

            Once you had been returned to your lavish cell, your inexplicable headache returned, worse than before. Deciding to sleep it off, you collapsed on your bed, letting out a soft groan as you came in contact with the mattress. Sleep quickly found you, and you did not even notice when the handmaiden slipped back into your room.

            “The Commander wishes to speak with you presently, miss,” the timid lady stood over you, knotting her hands nervously. You frowned at her, confused and hazy with sleep. Why would the Commander send a cleaning lady to fetch you and not a Stormtrooper? Even in your groggy state, you knew that something was off.

            “If he wishes to speak with me, he can come down here himself,” you told her sleepily. The entire situation seemed suspicious to you, and all things considered, you had no intention of leaving your room and disobeying the direct orders of General Hux. Perhaps the handmaiden sought revenge, and having the Commander catch you in the act of leaving your room would bring her some sense of _schadenfreude_.  

            “P-please, miss. He will be so angry with me if you do not come,” pleaded the little woman. You studied her for a moment, reaching out with the Force to see if she was telling the truth. You were not entirely sure how the whole mind-reading-thing worked, so you settled for sensing her general feelings instead. Her fear was strong, but you could sense no deceit. Frustrated that you could not read minds like the blasted Kylo Ren you nodded to her, deciding to trust her. Somewhat.

            She led you through back hallways in the compound and ducked with you into the shadows of dimly lit corridors upon the rare passage of a Stormtrooper. You became even more uneasy at this, and as she pulled your arm toward an especially shady-looking room you decided that trusting her had been a grim mistake. _Think fast. Get out._

            Turning on the smaller woman, you pushed her against a steel-enforced wall, eliciting a scared ‘squeak’ of surprise from the little trickster.

            “Where do you mean to take me?” you hissed, “Surely this is not the place of work of a commander.”

            “M-miss, I assure you, these are my instructions from Commander Ren. He said to be discreet,” she told you, eyes wide. Unsure of what to do next, you did not release her and looked wildly around your surroundings. Due to your weak connection to the Force, you could not trust to notice anyone through anything other than your sight and hearing.

            “Let her go.” his voice ordered, the black-cloaked individual emerging from the dark room. His cowl was down, and his helmet resembled a bucket. _That_ is what went through your mind at a time like this.

            The woman squirmed under you, clearly afraid of Kylo Ren. You were not entirely unafraid of the commander, either, and reluctantly did as he said. As the handmaiden ran away down the dimly lit hallway, you stared blankly at the helmet, nothing less than confused.

            “Come.” He grabbed you roughly by the arm and pulled you into the room just as two ‘troopers walked past. The door closed behind you, sealing off the only exit, in front of which stood the large man. You rubbed your arm and glared at him.

            “What is this? What are you going to do to me?” you sounded far more confident than you felt, although you were sure that Kylo could sense your fear.   

            “I,” he said, hesitating for a brief moment, “am going to take you off this ship.”

            You raised your eyebrows at him, unsure if you had heard that right. Why would he sneak you off the ship, and not just send you back?

            “Why would you do that?” you asked skeptically, crossing your arms over your chest.

            The masked man shifted his weight. “I cannot tell you. Not here.”

            You snorted. “Well, now that this sounds so safe and not at all like a trap; of course I’ll go with you.”

            “This is not up for debate,” he growled, taking a threatening step closer to you.

            You fixed him with an icy stare. “No.”

            “Yes,” he spat back, matter-of-factly. There was an edge to his tone, but you couldn’t quite place it, “Come,” he offered his hand to you, which you did not move to take.

            “General Hux told me not to leave my room,” you argued, “He promised that I would be returned to Naboo in less than a few days’ time.”

            Kylo bristled at the name. “ _Hux_ is not in charge here, I am.”

            You were not about to accept an unofficial release, as tempting as it might be. Unless there was a record of your liberation, the First Order would be free to capture you at any time and put you on trial for fleeing. So what was the Commander trying to do?

            “Be as it may, I am _not_ going to risk leaving now. I could be a wanted woman for running away from the First Order. I can wait another few days.” you turned on your heel, but were stopped by a large gloved hand.

            “I need you to trust me. You do not have a few days. Not even a few hours. Not if you stay here.” he said, his voice soft and pleading.

            Confused by his tone, you regarded him quizzically. “I do not know what is going on here, but I am less inclined to trust the man who kidnapped me than the one who promised me my legal freedom. Not that I trust either of you. I merely want to go back to my unassuming life on Naboo,” you said bluntly, wary of his reaction.

            He said nothing at this, and you reached for the door. Before you could open it; however, you heard a commotion from just outside it. The footsteps of Stormtroopers sounded ominously on the floors, and your heart began to race. Perhaps it was just routine rounds, you thought doubtfully. Or, they were in search of you, missing from your room. Still, you would have to take your chances with whatever awaited you on the ship.

            “Wait,” Kylo called out sharply. Hesitantly, you looked back at him. He was not forcing you, you noticed. He was reasoning with you. It was not unbeknownst to you that if he wanted to, he could easily drag you over to the readied dual-escape pod that was stationed on the other side of the room. So you waited.

            “I-I need you to come with me. But I also need you to trust me,” he seemed to hesitate before pressing a button on his helmet. It hissed as it released, and his gloved hands pulled it over his head. An array of black locks fell to the tops of shoulders. His head was lowered as if he was afraid of how you would react to seeing his face. Perhaps he was hideous, you figured.

            He was not, as you soon found out, hideous. Vulnerable brown eyes rose to meet yours, and your breath hitched in your throat. A mended scar shone lightly across his forehead, grazing his eyebrow menacingly and ending on his right cheek, but his face was unmistakable. From his display of beauty marks and prominent nose, right to his full pink lips, the man before you was implausibly Ben Solo. _Your_ Ben Solo. Or maybe not. His eyes were colder and darker than anything you had ever seen. The flash of vulnerability you had seen in his expression was gone, replaced by a detached stoicism. He was not the man you had once known, but instead a leader of the very institution you had helped to fight.

            The Commander of the First Order stood in front of you, clutching his helmet in his hands, pleading with you to come with him.

            “You’re alive,” you breathed, snapping out of the trance of shock, a hand flying up to your face.

            He did not answer but instead held out a gloved hand. This time, you took it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is rather rushed, sorry, but I wanted to get a chapter up tonight. I'm almost finished chapter three as well, but I have to edit this one first. If you find any mistakes or issues with clarity feel free to do my job for me & let me know ;) 
> 
> Other than that, let me know what you thought and thanks for reading! Au revoir.


	3. The Journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Kylo Ren find yourselves on a mysterious planet, and you both have some unresolved feelings.

           The escape pod hurtled through the sky, the vast emptiness and far off planets visible as you whizzed past the stars. Ben—Kylo shot occasional looks over his shoulder, presumably to make sure that you were not being followed.

            Your iron grip was on his left arm, which rested casually on your lower-thigh for comfort. It was a simple gesture, it seemed, not romantic, as he had not said more than two words to you nor had he answered any of your questions. His feelings were, for the first time, completely unbeknownst to you.

            “I think I am going to be sick,” you murmured, your stomach lurching as you flew past an asteroid, narrowly missing it. _That was close. Too close. I hate this. I really hate this._ Kylo kept his eyes fixed on the path ahead of you, apathetic to the perceived danger. 

            “Tell me why. Why are we running away? You owe me that, at least,” you asked him, trying to get your mind off your current displacement. 

            “The Supreme Leader wishes to see you,” he informed you, finally giving you an answer.

            “Supreme Leader _Snoke_?” waves of fear washed over you. The uneasy presence that you had sensed on the ship must have been that of Snoke—all of those god-awful headaches. You had heard little about the faceless Force-leader of the First Order, but you sensed that Kylo feared him. His grip on your leg unconsciously tightened, and he clenched his jaw in silence.

            “B—Kylo—are you running away from the First Order? Is that what this is?” for a second, your heart soared. Perhaps he had not been able to return to you before, but now he was—

            “No,” he answered bluntly, “I will go back once you are safe.”

            “Oh,” you said, a twinge of disappointment, “will Snoke allow you back at his side after disobeying him?”

            “The Supreme Leader needs me,” Kylo said, although you detected a hint of doubt in his tone, “I carry the bloodline of Darth Vader.”

            You raised your eyebrows at this. It had never occurred to you that he was the grandson of the infamous Vader, but it was true. Ben was the nephew of Luke Skywalker, who was indeed the son of Darth Vader. Made sense. You just had just never thought about it, and he had surely never mentioned it. Not exactly an ideal legacy to advertise. But what had caused Ben’s turn from the light—you did not know.

            “I see. But why not just take me to Snoke?” you asked, arching a brow at him. He shook his head.

            “Snoke meant to kill you.”

            “Why?” you were alarmed at this, “My connection to the Force is faint and I have no intention of using it, much less against _him_.”

            Kylo did not answer, but suddenly it dawned on you. To finish what he had started. The attack on the Jedi training camp. The downfall of the Jedi could have only been perpetrated by a being as powerful as Snoke. A user of the Force. The Dark Side. That left one piece of the puzzle incomplete—had Ben been a prisoner, or had he been complicit? No. No, absolutely not. You dismissed the idea as quickly as you had thought it, hoping that he had not heard your thoughts.

            If he did, he showed no sign of it. “We are almost there,” he told you.

            The landing was by far the most terrifying experience you ever endured. The little pod shook violently, tumbling through the sky. You let out an audible gasp as you begun to hurtle toward the rapidly approaching planet—upside down. Through the corner of your eye, you saw Kylo looking marginally distressed himself, reaching out a hand as to steady the craft using the Force.  
            Despite his best efforts, the pod remained inverted, although its’ speed significantly slowed. _You were both going to die._ Finally, the little capsule seemed to hit an invisible barrier and forcefully summersaulted into an upright position. From there, it slowly lowered itself to the ground in a cloud of dust. Once you had landed, the two of you sat there, stunned.

            “Was it supposed to—”

            “No,” came the breathy answer.

            _I thought as much._ You stepped out onto the dusty earth with shaky legs, seeking to steady yourself on the door of the pod. It was searing hot, and you recoiled your hand in pain. Of course it would be hot, you chastised yourself, examining your injured palm. It wasn’t bad, but you knew that it would be best to keep an eye out for an aloe vera plant on your journey through this desert planet. You would have to be resourceful, as the land before you looked alarmingly remote.

            Kylo’s eyes flitted over to you. “We can dress it once we stop for the night. Can you manage?”

            Embarrassed, you simply nodded and fell into step beside him. His long stride was difficult to match; you had forgotten that. Despite his fast pace, you noticed the stiff manner in which he walked. He was in pain, you knew, his stilted gait giving him away despite his attempt at concealing his discomfort.

            “What happened?” you asked softly.

            “What?” he asked brusquely, clearly not used to people asking about him.

            “You’re suppressing a limp,” you pointed out.

            His eyebrows rose, a slight gesture of surprise. “Just a few bruises,” he answered dismissively. You frowned but said nothing. After years of working as a medic, you knew full well that it was more than that, but you let it go. 

            As he walked, his ominous black robes swished around him as a reminder that he was no longer the Ben Solo you had known. But he was alive. You were grateful that he was alive. You suppressed the awful feelings of rage and betrayal and decided, for the moment, to be simply glad at the fact that he was here. You would yell at him later. Besides, you had been dreaming— _praying—_ for the past seven years that somehow he would find his way back to you, although the circumstances were quite different than what you had imagined.

            “So where are we headed?” you asked, keeping your tone light. It had become evident that Kylo responded to you more often when he was not on the defensive. As anyone would, you supposed.

            “I don’t know yet,” he replied, not slowing his step.

            “You don’t…” you huffed, jogging to catch up with him, “And why _don’t_ you know? Do you even know what planet this is?”

            “No,” he said calmly, “I can’t formulate a solid plan without Snoke sensing my actions. The less premeditated, the less he knows. That is why I did not tell you anything while on the _Supremacy_. He can read unguarded thoughts in an instant, at a close range,” he answered.

            You nodded thoughtfully. “I don’t guard my thoughts?”

            Kylo looked amused at this. “Not unless you consciously intend to. And even then, it shows plainly on your face.”

            You blushed and turned away. Phenomenal. “You could always read me,” you admitted, thinking back to your training sessions.

            His expression darkened at that, but he said nothing.

            “Well,” you continued your rambling, “I--you know, but I mean... It’s…” your voice died in your throat as Kylo raised one gloved hand to silence you, as he stopped in his tracks.

            “We can stop here for the night,” he muttered, half to himself.  The sky was starting to dim, and you noticed a slight drop in temperature. He spread his cape-like robes in the dust and assiduously lowered himself to the ground, his back leaning rigidly against a tall rock.

            You did not know what to do. Go to him? Find your own spot to sleep? You settled for a middle ground, taking a seat a few feet away from him, under a rocky overhang. He blinked at you but made no gesture of invitation. The encroaching darkness would be a welcome break from his scrutinizing stare, and you figured that you would feel far more at ease when you couldn’t see him. That is what you were used to, after all. In your darkest hour, you would always picture him there with you, in the darkness. Seeing him was different. It broke your heart.

            “Get some rest. I’ll keep watch,” he said, fixing his gaze on the setting sun. The golden wash reflected in his eyes and nostalgia came flooding back. In this serene setting, he looked like the Ben you remembered. He was just as handsome now, and he had aged well despite the years being arguably unkind to him. The scar, you noted, did not detract from his beauty but instead gave him a dangerous edge. It distinguished Kylo Ren from Ben Solo.

            Resigned, you lay down, wincing as a cloud of reddish dust rose to meet you. Other than the dust, the ground was not all too uncomfortable, and you found yourself relaxed. Some stars became visible as the navy sky faded to a black. Stealing one last glance at your traveling companion, you decided to test your luck one more time.

            “Why did you rescue me?” you asked. You wanted to know. You wanted to hear him say it.

            “I don’t know,” he answered, looking at you with thinly-concealed emotion. His brown eyes looked tired, and dark circles had taken up residence underneath them. He looked worn thin—pressed and weakened. No wonder he wore the mask, you thought. His exhaustion was visible. 

            “Well, thanks,” you murmured, feeling your eyelids droop. You were aware of the faint throbbing in your hand and made a note to dress it as soon as possible. You still hoped to find an aloe plant, but as you had seen none on your walk, it was not likely that you would find one in the morning. Instead, you clutched your hand to your chest and away from the dust and closed your eyes.

                 You dreamt of your time with Jeod, Maria, and the Resistance. 

                “How did you find me, anyway?” you asked them one night when the three of you had sat down for dinner.

                Maria looked up from her potatoes. “I thought you knew.”

                Jeod smiled warmly over the rim of his glass. “I am a medic for the Resistance. General Organa’s son was a part of the academy, so a team of us were dispatched to find him, and any other survivors.” You didn’t know of the General, or who her son could be, but your heart begun to race hopefully at the thought of another Padawan having survived.

               “Did you find her son?” you asked quietly, “Were there any survivors, other than me?”

                “No,” he said grimly, “No, there were not.”

                You returned quietly to your food, a thick air of bereavement falling over the room. You must have looked crestfallen, as Maria got up and put her arms around you.

                “Tomorrow, you will come with us to the base. You can take on a role, however small, but you are in dire need of a routine and some new friends,” she smiled kindly; “us old folks are no company for a youngling like you.”

                You regarded her with amusement. “I’m twenty-two.”

                “Oh, hush,” Maria waved her hands at you, “you’re plenty young.”

                The next morning, Jeod woke you before dawn. You rushed to change into a dust-colored garb and pulled your hair up, splashing cold water on your face before running after him. Maria stood by the door, two packed lunches in hand. The three of you set off on the two speeders that clunked noisily along a dirt road shrouded in shrubbery. After what seemed like hours, you came to a stop in front of a small compound obscured by trees. By the time the dust had settled, you were covered from head to toe in grime—a wonderful first impression.

                “This is a small base,” Jeod informed you as though it was not obvious, “You will get to know everyone here.”

                You managed a weak smile and followed him inside. The interior of the building was very modern, to your surprise, and many of the glass rooms were filled with a warm and inviting lighting. Various Resistance members bustled around the common area, most of them absorbed in their holopads and paying little attention to you.

                “Follow me; there is someone I want you to meet.” Jeod motioned for you to come, and you raced over to him, clinging to his side as you weaved your way through the crowd. He led you to an older woman who was standing regally and ordering a few people about. Next to her stood a man in a dusty brown leather jacket, looking slightly out of place but still very much respected by his peers.

            “This is General Organa and Han Solo,” Jeod introduced you, “And this,” he motioned to your shocked figure, “is the girl I have been telling you about.” Solo. Han Solo. That was Ben’s father. And _Organa_ must be Leia Organa, his mother. How you had not put the two and two together earlier, you did not know. Suddenly, you felt rather sick.

            The general regarded you warmly, although you could detect the sadness in her eyes. “I understand that you were a student of my brother’s.”

            “Yes, ma’am,” you whispered softly.

            Han studied you carefully, far more cautiously than his wife. “You survived the attack?” he asked.

            You shook your head. “I was visiting my father—he passed away.”

            Leia shot her husband a cross look. “I am sorry for your loss.”

            You swallowed hard. “Yours too. Your son—Ben—he was…” you trailed off, suddenly at a loss for words. What _was_ Ben? He was many things. He was everything to you. But you couldn’t say that. Not now.

            Leia nodded to you, squeezing your hands. “I know.” You held back tears and looked at her with understanding. Words did not need to be spoken; she did know.

            Suddenly, without warning, the scene shifted and you found yourself walking on the beaten path leading to the old Jedi Temple. Startled, you approached the figure of Ben in front of you but, as he turned around, you saw the face of Kylo Ren, a bloody gash tearing across his face as he cried out for you. You woke with a start, panting for breath as the dream begun to fade. As you began to adjust to your surroundings, your eyes fell on a source of light a few feet from where you lay.

            A little distance away, a fire crackled, casting dancing shadows onto the rocky desert. At the fire's edge, lay Kylo, fast asleep, his dormant lightsaber in the fine powder beside him. With awe, you looked on at him. His sleeping figure was peaceful, with long black lashes angled onto his high cheekbones. He blew soft, even breaths through his full pink lips, a stray lock of dark hair flicking to and fro with his inhalations and exhalations. He lay on his side, his head resting on a long arm, extended outward and curling at the glove. The other arm was lazily draped over his stomach, his fingers barely brushing the ground.

            He must not have meant to drift off, you assumed, but you were glad that he did. It was quite evident that he had not gotten a good night’s sleep in a long while. Deciding that you would keep watch for a while, you crept up to the edge of the fire to warm your hands. The desert had been sweltering during the day, but nightfall had been accompanied by increasingly cold temperatures.

            The night seemed to drag on, and your tired mind wandered to Naboo, wondering how your friends were doing. After a few years working for the Resistance, you had left your mentors in the hopes of a more peaceful life. That is when you had opened a local medical practice in Naboo, caring for the provincial inhabitants. You still wrote to Jeod and Maria frequently, keeping to yourself for the most part. Over the years, you had let your guard down and become less reserved, making pleasant acquaintances with many of your neighbors. 

            You wondered if they were looking for you and what they thought. That you had been taken by the First Order, certainly, but why? Did your neighbors think you a criminal? Hopefully not. You wished nothing more than to be returned to your home, but you knew now that it was not possible. The Supreme Leader of the First Order wanted you dead. Your heart rate rose at the thought…if Snoke aimed to kill you, this whole endeavor seemed futile. He would find you eventually, one way or another.

            A slight rustle in the Force jolted you out of your thoughts. It was followed by an eerie calm that had you doubting your instincts, and a brief glance at the sleeping Kylo Ren confirmed your suspicions. He showed no sign of a disturbance, still enraptured by a peaceful slumber.

            Still, you remained hyper-vigilant, your cautious gaze flitting over every crevice and examining every boulder. The thought of Snoke coming to kebab you with a lightsaber was a rather unpleasant thought that had you on edge. And kriff, you didn’t even know what he _looked_ like. Another spine-chilling shudder flooded through you, and this time, your hand unconsciously flew out in panic. The resting lightsaber flew to you and ignited by your hand in one fluid motion, the first time that you had successfully used the Force in years. The red crackle from the unbalanced saber woke Kylo in an instant, and he gazed up at you in abject horror and shock.

            Stunned, you let the saber fall to the ground, humming dangerously. You took a few steps back in disbelief, your already-injured hand throbbing from the sudden contact with the metal hilt. Kylo gingerly rose to his feet and retrieved the ‘saber, keeping his steely gaze fixed on you the entire time. Once he had it once again tucked away in the folds of his robe, he turned to you in anger. You felt his rage and betrayal through the Force, coming off of him in waves. It was a dark anger that you had never felt from him before.

            “What,” he spoke sharply, “were you doing?”

            You regarded him fearfully. “I-I don’t know; it was an accident.”

            “An _accident_ ,” Kylo repeated, sarcasm dripping from his tone.

            “Yes,” you snapped, “An accident. As in unintentional. Not on purpose.”

            “Watch it,” he hissed hotly, taking a threatening step toward you.

            “Or what? You’ll kill me? Isn’t that what the First Order does?” you narrowed your eyes at him.

            “I did not have to rescue you, you ungrateful…” he let his voice trail off indignantly.

            You stalked up to him, jabbing a finger at his chest. “Finish that sentence. I’m an ungrateful _what,_ Ben? I’m curious.” The pent-up anger that you had been harboring had been released, and you were seeing red.

            He glowered at you, tensing at the use of his name. “Bitch.”

            “Fine, you know what, I’m so _terribly_ sorry that you had to save me. Kidnapping me must’ve been so hard for you!” you exclaimed, before adding, “Go back to Snoke, I think he’s missing _his_ bitch.” 

            In one fluid motion, Kylo had ignited his cross-like ‘saber and flung it into the tall rock overhang. Shards of rock and dust tumbled down onto the ground, causing you to leap back. For a second, you were stunned. He panted heavily, his expression stormy and his free hand balled into a tight fist. The fiery red lightsaber remained dormant at his side now, humming uncertainly. 

            “If you’re quite done, I think I’m going to go for a walk,” you spat, turning on your heel and leaving him there, seething at you.

            “Be my guest,” he called after you, his voice bitter, “just watch yourself. Wouldn’t want another _accident_ to happen, god forbid.”

            “Go to hell!” you called over your shoulder.

            “Already there!” he countered, gesturing towards you.  

            You let out an angry huff as you walked away, furious. It was difficult to see more than a few feet in front of you in the darkness, so you opted to sit stubbornly on the ground, _just_ far enough away that Kylo could not see you but not _too_ far as not to get lost. It was freezing, and you wrapped your arms protectively around yourself for warmth. Hot tears spilled down your cheeks, and you let out an ironic laugh. This was the first time that you had cried so much in years, and it was over Kylo Ren.

            Damn that man. He had let you think that he had died. And then he had taken you prisoner and interrogated you. You had told him about your child—about your loss and how you had foolishly kept his lightsaber. He could shove that lightsaber up his ass, for all you cared. You had mourned him for the past seven years, and now you didn’t know what you were supposed to do. What was the protocol for this kind of thing? You had been just fine without him. It had taken years, but you were okay. You had rebuilt your life. Ben Solo in your corner, you had picked yourself up and focused on the future. Now, all of that had been shattered when one villain took off his helmet. Ben Solo hadn’t died but had instead turned to darkness. He _left_ you.

            How dare he come back now? How dare he take you to Snoke’s ship, only to change his mind and act like some kind of hero? He had to have known your identity from the first time he laid eyes on you in Naboo, yet he had toyed with you and exploited your feelings. What kind of heartless, cruel, twisted man had he become? The anger did not die, as much as you willed it to. You were hurt. He was broken. What a pair.

            When light finally broke, you were just drifting off to sleep. Groaning, you stood up and dusted yourself off, not wanting Kylo to stumble upon you sleeping so close to his blasted camp. You roamed around the area for a little while, looking for supplies. Your stomach growled with hunger, but the landscape was overwhelmingly barren, with no game or berries in sight. To your relief, you stumbled upon a small agrimony plant, its’ yellow flowers catching your eye. The roots of agrimony could be used to temporarily satisfy hunger, you noted, plucking the little plant from the ground. Neighboring the agrimony was a good-sized agave plant. You pulled its’ leaves, too, tucking them into your pockets. When dried, the leaves could be boiled into a tea and used to treat other minor ailments. The fresh sap had many uses, including treating burns, you remembered. It was no aloe, but it would do nicely. You carefully sliced open the stem with a fingernail to release the sap, and pasted the sticky green substance onto your injured hand.

            Letting out a relieved sigh, you reluctantly headed back to Kylo’s makeshift camp, if you could even call it that. The trek back was longer than you remembered, and for a second, you thought yourself lost. Then, you noticed a dark figure huddled in the distance. He sat sullenly on one of the boulderesque rocks that lined the desert, waves of despair emanating off of him through the Force. As he saw you approaching, he hastily tried to compose himself, but it was too late. You had caught sight of his tear-streaked face as he got to his feet, turning away from you in embarrassment. You softened at the sight of him, your anger dissipating almost instantly. Everything you had been fuming over all night seemed insignificant now. It didn’t matter at the moment.

            “Kylo,” you breathed softly, “Ben,” you took a step closer.

            “Don’t call me Ben,” he whispered, his voice breaking, “Ben is dead.”

            You continued, ignoring his reply. “I am sorry that I was so harsh. I was just so mad—I don’t even know where that came from,” you apologized softly. 

            “You have every right to hate me, more than you know,” he stated simply, finally meeting your gaze. His eyes held a sadness that struck your very core.

            “No, no, I don’t. I have spent far too long loving you to ever hate you. I don’t understand why you did what you did back there, but you saved me and I _am_ grateful for that. And I am beyond grateful that you’re alive,” you sucked in a sharp breath, “And Kylo… I did _not_ mean what I said last night; I can’t even imagine what you have been through with Snoke.”

            He flinched. “Don’t say that. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

            “I’m saying that I—”

            “No,” he cut you off firmly.

            You met his tormented gaze helplessly, not knowing how to comfort him. Whatever had happened, whatever he had done, it was haunting him now. It was tearing him apart; you could see it plain as day, yet you were powerless to stop it.        

            Instead of trying an intrusive approach, you simply held your good hand out to him. A gesture of trust, just as he had done to you. He looked down at you, the slight semblance of a smile on his lips. Nodding, he took your hand and gave it a faltering squeeze. You squeezed it back reassuringly and offered him an encouraging smile. He allowed his hand to linger on yours for a moment before retracting it, his gaze once again impenetrable.

            “Alright, let’s keep going. I’m starved and if I have to eat _this_ to stay alive I will be pissed off,” you said lightly, holding up the dirty root of the agrimony plant.

            Kylo cocked an eyebrow at you, and you saw a glint of amusement in his eyes, although he said nothing. As the sun began to rise, the two of you headed off, hoping to find some sign of life, something to eat, and maybe even a decent bed. Or at least, that is what you were hoping to find. Kylo, on the other hand, had a different idea.

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter wasn't too slow! It was a lowkey filler: just a little introduction to the Kylo dynamic, the beginning of an eventful journey, and perhaps even the hint of an ominous antagonizing force? 
> 
> Who knows?
> 
> Certainly not me.


	4. The Medic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Kylo make some headway. That is all.

            He wanted to find the Resistance. 

            “It’s the best plan I’ve got,” Kylo repeated after a moment of shocked silence on your part.

            “You honestly mean to tell me,” you snorted out a laugh, “that _you_ , Commander of the First Order, are just going to waltz into the Resistance and hand me over?”

            “I wasn’t planning on waltzing,” he countered, “but yes, that’s the gist. You will be safe from Snoke in the hands of the Rebels, that’s what matters.”

            You stopped him in his tracks, looking up at him with feigned concern. “Is this heatstroke, is that what this is?” He looked down at you, plainly unamused by your antics. He towered over you, and if you were anyone else, you would have been intimidated. Instead, you smiled widely at him until he shook his head fondly.

            “It will be fine,” he suppressed a grin, “What is the worst that could happen?”

            “I can think of an itemized list—”

            “Rhetorical question.”

            “Got it.”

            Kylo brushed past you, walking to the top of yet another dune-like hill. It had been hours and was well past lunch. The agrimony root was practically burning a hole in your pocket, and your mouth was bone dry. You knew that if you did not find water soon, this entire endeavor would be futile.

            “An outpost!” Kylo called from above. Elated, you jogged after him, panting by the time you reached the top. Sure enough, a small outpost was situated between a sparse gathering of palm trees, resting at the bottom of the hill.

            “Oh, thank the Maker,” you murmured, starting toward the gathering of lean-tos and other structures. From your position, you could see a small flurry of activity surrounding the colony of traders.

            The two of you headed down into the hub, scouring the booths for resources. The outpost was little more than a bazaar, but it was the most promising sight that you had seen since your arrival. A small compound lay in the center of the diminutive marketplace; in the midst of the buzz. Various species were lined up, trading an assortment of goods for travel necessities. You guessed that the compound was fashioned as some sort of rest stop, seeing as there was little indication of a settlement nearby. Everyone here was just passing through.

            You took your place in line, eyeing your counterparts warily. Without your blaster by your side—or any other weapon for that matter—every semi-hostile looking being appeared a viable threat. Kylo stood by your side, his hand resting coolly by his concealed ‘saber. Outposts were known for their lack of lawfulness, something which both you and Kylo were painfully aware of.

            “Next!” called the creature at the window, motioning to you and your rigid traveling companion.

            You approached the window and offered the Hutt your best smile. “We need supplies. Some water, food, and perhaps a speeder if you have one available.” You really hoped that he could understand Basic.

            The Hutt gave you a scrutinizing stare and chuckled deeply. You looked back at Kylo and down at yourself—both of you appeared exhausted, parched, and positively grimy. Not exactly like paying customers, you figured. Did you even _have_ any credits with you?

            Kylo slammed a handful of the gold coins in question onto the counter, an imperious expression on his face. Two large yellow-red eyes blinked in response, conveying surprise, and the Hutt chuckled again.

            “Okey-okey. Choy? Do u naga,” he spoke Huttese, of course, and you did not understand a word. You looked helplessly to Kylo, who answered:

            “Water. Food. And a speeder. Do you have it or not?”

            “Tagwa, of course mee have it. Wait unko.” The massive figure disappeared from the window, and you let out a breath you didn’t know you had been holding.

            “You understand Huttese?” You turned to Kylo, mildly impressed. He nodded once, offering no explanation. A Chiss woman appeared in the window before you could say anything else.

            “You two, follow me.”

            You and Kylo exchanged a brief look but walked with her to the back of the compound. A rusty-looking Speeder waited for you, in its seat a light colored sack containing your supplies. You thrust open a canteen of water, drinking until you erupted into a fit of coughing and sputtering. The woman looked at Kylo expectantly, as if he should be doing something more to help you. He obliged after a moment, patting your backward awkwardly.

            “Thanks,” you said dryly, offering him the remaining water.

            “You may remain here until nightfall, but we do not offer sleeping arrangements,” said the woman, turning to take her leave.

            “Wait.” Kylo approached her, and the two talked softly in hushed tones for a brief moment. You thought that you picked up the words ‘night’ and your name, but you were not certain. Shrugging, you dug into the food.

            It was better than you expected, but then again, you hadn’t eaten in almost two days. The meal consisted of roba meat, some sort of grainy bread, and vegetables. Kylo plopped down in the dust next to you and tore off a piece of the bread, sighing contently. The two of you ate in a comfortable silence until a rumble of thunder echoed through the sky.

            “There is supposedly a big city just a short ride from here. If we leave now, we could get there before the storm breaks,” Kylo said, glancing up at the overcast sky. You nodded, getting to your feet and dusting yourself off. You watched as he took a seat on the speeder, patting the space behind him as an indication for you to join him.

            Skeptically, you swung a leg over the rusty metal contraption. Scooting yourself forward, you glanced around for a place to hold on. _Yep, you were going to have to hold onto Kylo._ Hesitantly, you wrapped your arms around his torso. His muscles tensed in surprise but softened at your touch.

            “Ready?” he asked, revving the engine once as it sputtered to life.

            “Who wouldn’t be? This rust bucket is the most reliable mount I’ve ever had, and that’s including you,” you teased, a little hesitant at how he would react to this hilarious and not-at-all impulsive joke. Surprisingly, and much to your relief, he laughed. It was a genuine laugh that carried over sound the clunky engine and compounding wind. You imagined that it was the first time that he had laughed in a long time. And, with that, you were off.

            For an old, over-encumbered contraption, it _flew_ over the harsh terrain, stirring up clouds of the reddish dirt. The wind whipped it around, and you squeezed your eyes shut, resting your head on Kylo’s back. Was he driving blind? As if in answer, he shifted the Speeder’s angle so that the wind blew the particles behind you, rather than hitting you head on.

            There was always a certain excitement that came with a storm, and the adrenaline from the ride only amplified this. Raindrops started to fall, tickling your skin. Normally, getting drenched during a rainstorm in the middle of nowhere was not ideal, but you figured that you were desperately in need of a shower anyway.

            By the time the city came into view, you were both thoroughly soaked from the pouring rain. Thunder clapped overhead, followed by frequent flashes of lightning. The streets were mostly vacant as a result of the storm; the vendors in the marketplace had been abandoned. The few beings that were left outside hastily gathered their belongings as the rain pounded down on them. Kylo brought the corroded Speeder to an abrupt halt in the square, gesturing to one of the inhabitants.

            “We need a place to stay and we have the credits to pay for it, know a place?” he asked. The man’s eyes lit up at this, and he nodded quickly, “Follow me and ditch that old thing by my vendor,” he said, casting a glance at the Speeder, “No one will take it, _trust me_.”

            Kylo narrowed his eyes but nodded. The both of you hurried after the young man, running through a few waterlogged alleys before coming to a stop in front of a wooden brown door. The buildings here were close together, and empty clothing lines seemed to connect them. Despite the cramped outward appearance, the inside itself was homely and organized; you were glad to be out of the rain. Your clothing clung to you like a second skin, and you felt Kylo’s eyes on you. The other man noticed, too, flashing you a toothy smile.

            “I’m Jase,” he introduced himself for the first time, holding out his hand. He was good-looking enough, but noticeably a few years younger, with deep blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. You shook his slender hand, introducing yourself as well. Kylo slid a hand to your lower back, resting it there pointedly.

            “You get half now, and the other half when we leave here, _untouched_ ,” he said, using his free hand to pass several credits to Jase, who smiled complacently.

            “I’ll show you to your room. It is alright if you share a room, right? Otherwise, she can gladly sleep with me,” he offered, his gaze flicking over you appreciatively. Kylo bristled at this and you quickly stepped in, remembering his outburst from last night.

            “My husband and I would prefer to share a room,” you said sweetly, before adding, “thank you.” Jase looked mildly surprised at this but nodded quickly. You purposely avoided Kylo’s gaze.

            “My mistake,” he said apologetically, opening the door to what was presumably a guest bedroom, “if you need anything, just ask.”

            Kylo cleared his throat and the other man looked slightly nervous as he took his leave.

            “He’s just a kid, you didn’t have to terrify the poor guy,” you shook your head in amusement after Kylo had shut the door with an unnecessarily loud _bang_.  

            “Yeah, a twenty-something kid who was mentally undressing you with his eyes,” he countered, sounding a little bitter. He pulled at his dark robes, now heavy with water weight, and sighed.

            “I think we are going to have to ask him for some clothes,” you snickered as Kylo glared at you stubbornly.

            “They’ll dry.” He meticulously disrobed, hanging his garments from the frame of the canopy bed. You gasped as he wriggled out of his shirt, revealing his bare chest. His taut muscles were completely covered in yellow and black bruises, semi-healed gashes littering his torso. One particular cut troubled you, as it appeared somewhat inflamed and protruded slightly from the skin.

            “A little bruising, huh?” you said, the shock evident in your tone.

            “It’ll heal,” he assured you.

            “Wait right here.” You ducked into the connected bathroom, scouring the medicine cabinet for the necessary supplies.  

             “Where do you think I’m going, exactly?” Kylo asked sardonically, clearly not in the best of moods.

            To your relief, you found gauze, medical tape, and some soap. That was the best you could have hoped for; you were not expecting Jase to have any bacta technology.

            “Alright, come here, we need to flush out that wound.”

            Kylo appeared behind you, looking indignant. “That is not ne—”

            You tsked at him, holding up the minimal display of medical supplies that you had procured. “I’m the medic. Besides, you can humor your _wife_ one time, right? Be a good husband, now.” He rolled his eyes at you but obliged, sitting obediently on the edge of the bathtub.

            You ran the showerhead over the cut, causing Kylo to grit his teeth. Concerned, you felt the surrounding skin. Unfortunately, the skin was hot and tender to the touch, confirming your suspicions. An infection.

            “Alright, I’m going to boil some water and get some fresh linen. Just run this water over the cut. It will sting and irritate it a little but it’s important that we get rid of this infection.” You used your best ‘commander’ voice, adding in a finger wave for good authoritative measure.

            You dashed out of the room, hurrying down the hall to where Jase had gone. His door was closed, and you knocked to get his attention. Within seconds, the door opened and it’s groggy occupant regarded you with alarm.

            “Sorry to disturb you, but I need some clean linens that could be used to fashion a bandage? And maybe some dry clothes?” His eyebrows flew up at this.

            “There should be some gauze in the bathroom.”

            “Yeah,” you acknowledged, “that’s not going to cut it.”

            “Okay, uh, wow. I’ll see what I can find.”

            You nodded gratefully and headed into the kitchen. After fumbling around his cabinets for a few minutes, you managed to find a pot big enough to take care of the fabric. You had just set the water to a boil when Jase returned with a handful of white linen strips and some clothes.

            “From a shirt,” he informed you, gesturing to the strips of fabric.

            “Clean?” you asked, minutely inspecting the material.

            “Yes,” he confirmed, sounding slightly offended. You placed the strips into the boiling water and turned to face him again.

            “I need some salt.”

            He blinked at you, “Salt?”

            “To make a saline solution,” you clarified, “it will wash out the wound.”

            Jase handed you the salt, looking rather flustered. “What kind of wound are we talking here?”

            “Nothing of consequence,” you answered, gathering the supplies, “Thank you for your help!” you called over your shoulder.

            When you returned to the bathroom, Kylo was just as you had left him. He watched you work quietly, as you applied your homemade saline to the gauze, pouring the rest over his skin.

            “What is the hot water for?” he asked, eyeing the pot containing bandages you had brought along, which was steaming.

            “I boiled some linens for a bandage. The warm compress will help to draw out the infection. It’s the best I can do right now," you said softly, dabbing the gauze gently on the wound with clean hands to apply the solution.        

            “Thank you,” he murmured.

            “Of course,” you said lightly, applying the warm compress and carefully securing the bandages in place, “But if this persists we _will_ have to go to the Medcenter.”

            Once you were finished, Kylo stood up, flexing his broad shoulders experimentally.

            “I also got you some dry pants. I’ll let you change,” you tossed him the pants that Jase had given you.

            You changed too, relieved to finally get out of your wet clothes. Your teeth had begun to chatter, but you had been so intent on dressing Kylo’s wound that you had hardly noticed the cold. Now that you had finished your work, your body seemed to solely focus on it.

            Kylo emerged from the bathroom, looking uncomfortable. The pants fell to his mid-calves, falling incredibly short of his ankles. You suppressed a laugh at the sight.

            “You look dashing,” you told him.

            He considered you for a moment. “What are _you_ wearing?”  

             You glanced down at the cream-colored lace nightgown that had been supplied to you. It showed off your cleavage nicely, you thought. “Jase must have a lady-friend,” you remarked ruefully, “and I had so been hoping to score a date with him.”

            Kylo regarded you darkly, brushing off your tongue-and-cheek comment. “So it seems. Do you want the bed?” he asked.

            You frowned. “You’re injured; you get the bed. I’ll take the chair.”

            Once you were both situated, he flicked off the lights and a hush fell over the room. The unfamiliar setting, combined with the cold, caused you to shiver. You pulled the thin blanket up to your chin and bit your tongue to prevent the tremor in your jaw.

            “Come here,” Kylo almost ordered, cutting through the silence.

            “What?”

            “You’re cold. I’m cold. Come here.”

            You hesitated for a brief moment, your heart pounding. “Okay.”

            Slipping under the covers, you pressed your body against Kylo’s, careful as to not injure him any further. You could feel his heart beating fast against your skin. He radiated warmth and familiarity. And, before you knew it, the room was filled with your soft breathing as you drifted off.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, but that's all I got for tonight. I'm an insomniac but I also still have a few hours of homework that I *should* be doing. Hope you liked it anyway! The next chapter will be longer, and some big challenges are in store for our Reader...


	5. The Dark Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Kylo experience a lot of things.

            Light filtered softly into the room as your eyelids fluttered open. Kylo’s face was just inches from yours. A feeling of shock and joy flooded through you, as you were still not used to seeing him. Ben. Kylo. You could reach out and touch him if you wanted to—he was really here.

            The stern expression he usually wore was gone, replaced by a content smirk. You wondered what he was dreaming about. His silky obsidian locks fell in his face slightly, and you fought the urge to tuck a stray strand behind his ear. He groaned in his sleep, shifting his position slightly, his right hand resting slightly above your thigh. You just about melted under his touch, but knowing that it wasn’t intentional, you slipped out from under him and sat at the edge of the bed. Turning over your shoulder, you stole one last lingering glance at him, smiling sadly.

            For a few minutes, you decided, you would pretend that everything was alright. You pretended that you got to wake up next to him every morning. It was a nice thought. Standing up, you walked to the door, wincing as the floorboards creaked from under you. Kylo’s voice froze you in your tracks.

            “Stay,” he rasped.

            Wordlessly, you returned to him, taking a seat on the bed. He propped himself up on one forearm and studied you enigmatically. A heavy tension was in the air, and you sensed an unfamiliar emotion coming off him in waves. He stood up suddenly, his back to you.

            “I missed you too, you know,” he said softly, his hands balled into fists at his sides. Your eyes widened in surprise and you went to him, staring up at his troubled face.  

            “I wanted to go to you so bad, to make sure that you were okay…to…” His voice broke as he looked down at you. “I’m so sorry, about leaving you, about the child, about everything.” A single tear rolled down his cheek, and he made no move to wipe it away.

             Impulsively, you reached out and brushed it away lightly. He leaned into your hand, closing his eyes.

            “I know.”

            His brown eyes were brimming with understood emotion. He was conflicted, you saw. Torn between saving you and his obligation to the Dark Side. Torn between loving you and loving his power. Between his compassion and morals and this cold, calloused killer that he was capable of being. He let you in and then he pushed you away; he was at war with himself.

            “Forgive me,” he breathed. It came out as a plea rather than an order, as if he feared that you would reject him and damn him to solitude. A shiver traveled down your spine; the most powerful man in the galaxy was at your mercy, begging your absolution.

            “I forgive you.” You bit your lip in a futile effort to prevent the tears from coming, and as they did, he pulled you close. Your head lay against his bare chest and you could have sworn that you felt him lightly kiss the top of your head.

              You dressed his bandages as efficiently as you could before heading out. Today was the day to gather supplies and arrange for transport to whatever planet Kylo had in mind. The day was spent in relatively good spirits, with Kylo being far more relaxed than he had before with you. It seemed as though the two of you were finally settling into a routine—in which you would crack an objectively unfunny joke and Kylo would stare at you in secret amusement. It was quite the dynamic.  

            You were finally beginning to get used to each other, and you spent the day dressing up in different outfits while Kylo looked on with a content smile on his face. He had relaxed a lot from when the two of you had first encountered each other, and you attributed it to the leisure he was able to take. He did not have to keep his guard up around you, and you did not expect him to put forth a front of darkness. You had learned not to expect any light, either, as Kylo was different from the Ben you had known. But he was the same in many ways. His mannerisms, although stiffer and far more unpracticed, remained. His compassion. The assertiveness he held when walking into a room.

            “What are you thinking about?”  
            You smiled at him, grateful that he wasn’t reading your mind. “I’m just happy.”

            The day was over all too quickly. Your shopping was complete, and the daylight was beginning to fade. Tomorrow morning, you knew, you would be leaving this place. A place you had grown to like rather quickly.

            “So, where are we headed next?” you asked, falling into step beside him.

            “My mother had a house in Hanna City, where I grew up. I have no idea if she still owns it, or where the current rebel bases are, but that is a start.”

            You nodded, mulling this over in your head. Kylo’s good mood had changed on a dime at the mention of his family and his past—and you knew that this could in no way be easy for him. Walking the rest of the way in silence, you almost didn’t notice when your companion stopped dead in his tracks.

            “Get behind me. If it’s the Knights of Ren, I need you to find shelter. Stay there until I come to get you,” Kylo spoke quickly, and before you could ask for a point of clarification, a group of dark hooded Force-wielders surfaced at the end of the alley.

            Your hand instinctively reached for your blaster, but merely grazed the fabric of your pants. Your weapon of choice was still under your mattress in Naboo.  Meanwhile, the Knights were advancing towards you two, dispersing into the shadows. There was nowhere to run, but you were weaponless. In front of you, Kylo ignited his lightsaber and readied himself for the fight.  

            A tall man, as tall as Kylo, was the first one to attack. Kylo spun low to the ground, his menacing cross-like ‘saber running through his opponent easily. Another assailant ran at him from the other direction, his left flank. Kylo kicked out his leg to hold him off while he retrieved his lightsaber from its post in the other Knight’s side. He then whirled around to face the other man, twirling his weapon expertly in his as he readied himself for the attack. The other man struck first, and Kylo moved easily to block him before landing a strike of his own in the shoulder. His assailant hissed in protest and clutched his shoulder as he swung wildly, energy crackling as the red ‘sabers connected. Kylo’s expression was one of sheer concentration but there was a mad look in his eyes.

            From behind, a woman dressed in the identical black garb raced toward him, igniting a lightsaber of her own.

            “Kylo, behind you!”

            You didn’t have to say anything, though, as he had already thrown the man into the brick wall using the Force and turned 180 degrees to face the woman. Instead of fighting, though, he lowered his weapon.

            “Cas.”

            “Kylo.” She lowered her cowl, revealing a long, blonde, braid. Her beautiful features were twisted with rage, but she let her ‘saber rest dormant by her side.

            “What is the meaning of this,” he growled, resuming an air of authority. It wasn’t a question. The remaining Knights of Ren froze, watching the scene unfold.

            “You’re too conflicted to lead us, Kylo. You abandoned your post under the Supreme Leader, to what, save _this_ rebel scum?” She glanced at you, recognition flickering in her eyes.

            Kylo grinned sardonically, “You think you can challenge my command?”

            Cas suddenly seemed rather unsure, but she did not flinch from his gaze. “ _I_ am not at odds with the Dark Side of the Force.”

            “And you think that I am?” You could feel his anger bubbling to the surface, yet he spoke coolly. In that moment, you sensed his resolve.

            “I think that she,” a gesture to you, “is your weakness. Your link to the Light.” Cas sneered, “You still _love_ her. Even after everything we did together.”

            Kylo said nothing.

            “Kill her, and I’ll believe that you are not conflicted.”

            “Do _not_ give me orders,” Kylo said sharply, offering her another cruel smile, his eyes glinting dangerously.

            “Fine. I’ll do it myself.” Cas took a step toward you.

             In one fluid motion and without hesitation, Kylo ran his ‘saber through her abdomen. He held it there, the red light washing dangerously over his face. “Is this Dark Side enough for you, _darling_? Do still you think me conflicted?”

            Her face was one of shock, twisted in pain as he let her crumple to the ground. He stood over her, shaking his head in mock disappointment.

            “Anyone else want to question my authority?”

            The remaining Knights of Ren bowed their heads. “We are at your disposal, Master Ren,” said the center one, a man who was eerily familiar to you. His name had been Alecar. He had often assisted you in hand-to-hand combat. _You had trained together_.

            “Interesting choice of words.” Kylo walked over to him, and for a second you thought that he might kill him as well. The other man—Alecar—clearly thought so too, as a tinge of fear was visible in his eyes.

            “Go back to your post,” spat their leader, “Doubt me again and you will join your foolish comrades.” He motioned to the robed figures who had fallen at his hand.

            As fast as they had come, the Knights of Ren seemed to vanish into thin air.

            Kylo kept his eyes fixed on where they had gone for a few minutes before extinguishing his ‘saber and heading towards you. You took an unconscious step back, your mouth suddenly bone-dry. What was he capable of? Despite seeing him in the mask working for the First Order, you had never seen him fight. You had never seen him kill. It was a display of great power and strength, but also great darkness.

            “Let’s go.”

            “The Knights of Ren are Luke’s former apprentices?” you asked, making no motion to follow him.

            He looked down at you with a cold expression. “I don’t think that is any of your business.”

            “How many of Padawans survived, exactly? And how?”

            Kylo put his face dangerously close to yours. “Do not say another word. You don’t know _anything_ about them. Or me.”

            Gathering all of your courage, you glared back at up him. “I know that you slept with Cas.”

            He tightened his jaw at this. “That is what you’re going to focus on? That a few years ago, I took my subordinate to bed?” It was a cold way of referring to a woman he had just killed, you thought.

            “No.”

            “Are you jealous? Is that what this is? Do you want me to fuck you?”

            You laughed. “I just watched you kill five people in cold blood.”

            “Cold blood? Is _that_ what you think?” He snorted. “You ignorant girl.”

            “I saw the look in your eyes. You like to kill. To exercise your power.”

            Kylo did not answer, confirming your suspicions.

            “I need some space.” You turned on your heel, marching away from him. Darkness was falling over the city, and you didn’t know your way back to your temporary lodging, but you didn’t care. You were mad at Kylo for killing so easily. You were mad at him for his display of darkness. You were mad at him for sleeping with Cas. And you were furious with yourself for wanting him. _Do you want me to fuck you?_

            As you wandered through the streets, you stumbled upon a dimly lit tavern. You could use a drink. Three credits were tucked into your pockets, and you figured now was as good a time as any to spend them.

            The bar was filled with all sorts of creatures and brewing with chatter. The noisy atmosphere was a welcome one, as you hoped to drown out your thoughts. You took a seat on an empty chair next to a blonde man who was hunched over his drink.  

            “I see you’ve found the bar.” It was Jase, who looked at you with concern.

            You managed a smile. “Thank the Maker.”

            He slid one of his drinks your way. You accepted it gratefully, taking a small sip. It was abrostine, you realized; it was strong and bitter. Perfect.

            “So is something wrong with your husband?”

            “Husband?”

            “Tall. Scary. Dark hair.”

            “Oh, him.”

            “Do you have more than one husband?” Jase raised his eyebrows.

            “No. I mean, _no_ , I don’t have any husband. Ky—Ben isn’t my husband.” You decided that it was best not to advertise that your traveling companion was _the_ Kylo Ren, even though Jase did not seem like much of a risk. He seemed so…uncomplicated and unthreatening.

            “I see,” he furrowed his brows, “but you are here because of him?”

             “More or less. And you?”

            Jase chuckled dryly. “A girl. She left me months ago. But I’m not over it.”

            You nodded sympathetically, downing the rest of the drink. “Do you want to talk about it?”

            “Not really. You? What did Ben do that was so bad?” Jase diverted to you.

            “He…he is just…I can’t really explain,” you sighed, motioning to the barkeep for another drink.

            “He cares about you, though. A little too much, maybe. Very, um, protective.”

            If only he knew that Kylo had risked his life to protect you whisking you across the galaxy.  

            “He might. I think he does, anyway. But he cares for a lot of things.”

            “And you? Do you care for him?” Jase asked.

            “It would be so much easier if I didn’t,” you murmured, downing yet another drink. You continued to talk to Jase as the night went on, finding him a very good listener.

            “Yeah, I’m reeally just lonely. And sad. Lonely and sad.”

            Jase nodded, snickering a little. “Me too.”

            “You should find the girl. She doesn’t know what she’s missing out on. You’re so sensitive and kind and straightforward and cute and nice…” You let out a small breath as Jase leaned in. “Oh, are we kissing now? Is that a thing?” you drawled.

            His kiss was gentle and his hand cupped your cheek. What were you doing? This was probably not a good idea. Oh, boy, this was so not a good idea. Jase pulled away, confused.

            “Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?” he asked, slurring a little.

            “No, it’s just…” you glanced the room, your eyes widening as you saw Kylo across the tavern. He was leaning against the door frame, expressionless, but you knew that he had seen you, too.

            “Oh _shit_.” Jase followed your gaze.

            “I’ll just… it’s okay, I’m just gonna...” You stumbled in Kylo’s direction and he met you halfway, steadying you. He allowed you to lean on him as you left the bar. The streets were more or less quiet. After seeing the Knights of Ren, though, you clung to Kylo’s side. Besides, you were a little too inebriated to walk properly.

            “Are you mad at me?” you asked finally.

            “No.”

            “I’m mad at you,” you informed him, stumbling a little.

            He said nothing, but guided you into Jase’s empty house. You took a seat on the bed, taking deep breaths and trying to will yourself out of the drunken haze. It was a brief struggle in the dark before Kylo returned with a glass of water and a sandwich.

            You accepted it gratefully and avoided his gaze while eating. You sensed his eyes on you but refused to look at him, afraid of what he might say.

            “You cannot run off like that,” he said at last.

            Polishing off your sandwich, you looked up at him. He didn’t look mad, exactly, but he certainly wasn’t happy. Not good. You smiled at him.

            “Would you stop smiling, for the _love_ of god?” he was exasperated with you.

            “Okay.”

            “The Knights of Ren were only the beginning. Snoke is not going to stop until he gets what he wants.”

            “Oof.”

            “You’re drunk,” he threw up his hands, “You are so drunk.” Kylo was muttering to himself now, raking a hand through his hair.

            “You’re hot,” you told him. Words no longer waited for permission from your brain; everything you thought was being said, apparently. Embarrassed, you took a dramatically long sip of your water.

            He watched you with a somewhat immodest countenance, his lips twitching almost imperceptibly. As per usual, you couldn’t tell exactly what he was thinking. He looked…almost turned on. Were you imagining things?

            “What if I said that I did want you to fuck me?” you asked bluntly. He seemed slightly taken aback, but you noticed the husk in his voice when he spoke.

            “I would say that you are not thinking straight,” he answered with obvious restraint.

            “That isn’t very Dark Side-y of you,” you pouted. Thinking about that comment, it probably wasn’t the _best_ thing you could have said just then.

            Kylo set the glass of water on the nightstand and gave you a long look. “That is what you want?” Without warning, he pinned you to the bed, his dark hair brushing your cheeks. You let out a light gasp as he held your arms firmly in place. His breathing was labored as he held himself back with considerable effort, his warm lips barely grazing yours.

            You closed the kiss with reasonable strain, pulling yourself up against him. He reacted instantly; mouth moving urgently against yours with a fervent need and his tongue roughly parting your shaking lips. It had been so long since you had allowed anyone to kiss you, _really_ kiss you, that you were scared that your ability to perform the act had been altogether foregone. This was evidentially not the case, as you seemed to melt into him, your tongues swirling together almost sinfully.

            He moved, on, placing fluttering kisses on your jawline as you threw back your head, exposing your neck.  Releasing your arms, he ran his strong hands over your neck, applying the slightest bit of controlled pleasure. If he choked you right now, you would die happy.

            As your eyes met, your heart could have exploded right then and there. The flecks of gold around his blown pupils were the most beautiful thing in the world. You wanted him so bad it scared you.

            Much to your disappointment, he got to his feet, leaving you there on the bed.  
            “Get some sleep,” he ordered, ignoring your pouty expression. Blood was rushing in your ears, and you ached for his touch. You wanted nothing more than to pleasure him, taking his large cock in your mouth and readying him for you.

            Kylo cleared his throat, interrupting your fantasies. “You can’t think those things,” he said, sounding considerably strained as he drank in the sight of you, lusting for him. You bit your lip, standing up to meet him. His strong hands slid down your body, resting on your waist as he let out a tortured sigh.   

            “Why?” you asked, your breathing ragged.

            “Because I want nothing more than to bend that desk and take you right now.” His voice was deep and hoarse with desire, and it sent waves of carnal pleasure through you. You felt a pool of heat building in your abdomen, and you let out a groan of frustration.

            “Then _do it_.” You hopped up onto the desk, flinging your shirt over your arms, exposing your breasts. He glowered at you, balling his hands into fists at his side.

            “You are taking every ounce of self-control I have,” he managed, averting his gaze.

            Perhaps it was the drink that had made you so bold, but your mind had cleared and was now focused solely on pleasure. It had been years since you had last had sex, and it was although time was catching up with you in a frenzy. You ran a soft hand over your nipples, feeling the hardening buds under your fingers. A slight moan escaped your lips, directing Kylo’s attention back to you. He watched you shamelessly for a second, before reaching out and cupping your breasts firmly in both of his hands, his mouth once again finding yours.

            “Fuck it,” he murmured, between kisses. You could feel his hardness through his pants as his bulge rubbed against your spread legs. An embarrassing amount of wetness was collecting in your panties, and by the time he finished planting hickeys down your next, you were soaked.

            You ran your hand across the waistband of his pants before wrapping your hand around his hard shaft. His breath hitched in response, and he threw back his head as you began to pump faster. He tugged his pants down to his knees, revealing his taut v-line as he bucked under your touch. Snaking a hand into your pants, he thumbed the lace of your panties as his calloused hand circled your clit, spreading your wetness. Heat flushed through your body as he increased the pressure, pushing two fingers into you. His breathing becoming more labored as his cock twitched at your hand.

            A bang sounded from nearby, followed by a string of expletives, startling you both. Jase was home. Kylo let out a hiss of annoyance, resting his sweaty forehead against yours as you caught your breath.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the writer's block was strong with this one. i still have to proofread; i just really wanted to post it the second i finished it. rip. i'll edit in a few hours. adios.


	6. The Catharsis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Kylo take a quick exit. You also resolve some feelings. 
> 
> (Also, I'm going to put a trigger warning for implied physical/emotional abuse as a child. It isn't detailed but I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable. I know how hard it is to reconcile with something like that.) 
> 
> Other than that, enjoy!

            Kylo tensed suddenly, jerking you behind him in a sudden movement. You were both half-dressed, standing together in the darkness. Heart pounding, you listened intently for anything that Kylo had heard. His connection to the Force was far stronger and more practiced than yours, but if something was extremely wrong you should have been able to detect it.

            “Window,” Kylo’s tone was low and urgent, “does it open?"

            You padded over to the small-paned glass and gave it a tug. It groaned in protest, only opening about an inch. Another slight noise sounded from just outside the room, and Kylo flung out a hand toward the window, the glass shattering in response. You shielded yourself from the shards of glass, momentarily stunned.

            The door flew open at the sound, revealing the silhouette of a large figure, far taller than even the monumental Kylo Ren. You snapped to attention, ducking through the window, gritting your teeth as the jagged edge of glass cut into your exposed calf like a blade. The second your bare feet hit the road, you took off running, trusting Kylo to follow. He was at your heels in an instant, muttering under his breath as the two of you sprinted through the streets.

            It must have been quite a scandal, as audible gasps sounded from the occupied balconies. Your lack of clothing; however, was not at the top of your list of priorities at the moment. As you rounded a sharp corner, you stumbled a bit from the effects of alcohol and lack of footwear, letting out a strangled cry as you connected with the pavement. You glanced behind up, looking behind you at the approaching figure. Kriff.

            Strong arms wrapped around you in a moment, hoisting you back to an upright position. That was embarrassing. “Can you manage?” he asked, setting you back on your feet, glancing behind you warily, his hand flying to his lightsaber as a precaution.

            “Yep, let’s get out of here.”

            Your heartbeat sounded in your ears as the two of you tore through the emptying alleys, winding through the city with the pursuer hot on your heels. It was surreal, and you felt yourself slip into a daze as you ran, almost as if in slow motion. Fear propelled you forwards, as well as Kylo’s hand, which he kept protectively in your vicinity as he ran behind you.

            You came to a screeching halt as you reached a shipyard. Kylo was evidently looking behind him at this point time, and slammed directly into you, sending you both tumbling to the ground. You skidded to a halt, your knee taking the brunt of the impact. Your companion swore. As he got to his feet, his eyes fell upon the shipyard and his jaw dropped in shock.

            “Kylo! Come on!” you started towards the nearest ship, a limp evident in your steps.

            “Not that one!” he called sharply, “Any ship but that one.”

            You glanced at the next ship, which was a far greater distance away. Looking back at the figure in pursuit, you shook your head. He was gaining on you and with your leg, you would never make it.

            “I can’t. We have to take our chances; can you fly it?”

            Kylo arrived at your side, breathless. “Shit.”

            “ _Kylo_?” The advancing figure was almost upon you now.

            “Let’s get this piece of junk in the air,” he almost grumbled, taking off toward the ship. It was in the shape of a convex saucer with a pair of prong-like mandibles facing the front. Not much to look at, but a far better sight than the beast-like figure who was close behind.

            The ship’s inside was dusty, with a series of confusing tube-like hallways. Kylo seemed to know his way around, though, guiding you to the cockpit. You took a seat at his right, glancing wildly behind you to reassure yourself that you were alone. With startling precision, Kylo fired up the controls, a series of blinking lights and switches. “Alright you bucket of bolts, let’s go.” He spoke to the ship with a bitter familiarity.

            The ‘bucket of bolts’ took off without hesitation, the engine whirring, shooting into the sky with unprecedented speed. You scrambled to fasten your seatbelt, closing your eyes in fear. No matter how much you flew, you were absolutely _not_ a fan of high altitudes and even higher speeds. It was a dizzying, disconcerting sensation that unnerved you in all aspects of the word.

            Kylo skillfully guided the ship over the city and then upwards into the blackening night sky. You flew into the stars, the red planet becoming a fading orb within seconds.

            “This thing is fast,” you murmured, eyes wide. Kylo made a hmph sound in response, his eyes not leaving the control panel in front of him.

            “Alright, it’s about to get faster; I’m going to try to get her to jump to lightspeed.”

            “Try?!” You looked at him with alarm.

            “The _Falcon_ has undergone a lot of unwise modifications that account for its speed, but at the sacrifice of a reliable Hyperdrive,” Kylo’s voice was dripping with derision.

            “I think we are going plenty fast right now,” you offered, glancing at the array of complicated switches which Kylo expertly managed.

            “I appreciate the input, but _he_ ,” a gesture behind you, “disagrees.”

            As the ship turned, you caught sight of a large red craft hurtling toward you. Fuck. This guy was relentless.

            “Lightspeed sounds good.”

            As if in answer, engine lurched and the stars in front of you blurred together. Too paralyzed to move, much less breathe, you watched in simultaneous abject horror and amazement. You glanced to your left, seeing Kylo sit back in the pilot’s chair in relief. The ship had steadied itself, and your pounding heart finally settled down.

            “Who _was_ that guy?” you asked finally, your mind regaining its composure.

            “Not sure. A bounty hunter, I think.”

            “Snoke would send a bounty hunter after us? Why not do it himself?”  
            Kylo scoffed. “He’s not the type to get his hands dirty. That’s usually my role.” You didn’t doubt it. Seeing Kylo’s reckless power and strength up close still shook you to the core.

            “Noted.”

            You stood up, taking a good look at your surroundings for the first time. The ship’s cockpit consisted of four chairs with the back two covered in white sheets, gathering dust. It seemed as though no one had occupied it in a long time. But Kylo seemed to know it well. What had he called it? The _Falcon_? You decided not to ask, doubting that he was inclined to tell you about it.

            You then glanced down at yourself. You wore only your shirt and the scantily laced underwear. Kylo, on the other hand, was dressed fully in his usual black garb, save for the cape and cowl, which had hastily been left behind in the escape. He even wore his boots, which contrasted with your feet, bare and scraped from the road. Typical.

            “Do you think there are any clothes aboard this ship?”

            He glanced over at you, amused. “I don’t mind.” You fixed him with a look, deciding to get up by yourself and explore. Hopefully it’s previous owners had left some sort of coverings behind. If not, you would wear one of the dusty sheets—but you were not about to travel through space pants-less.

            The tube-like hallways were lit up now, the lights covered with a thin layer of brown dust. You rubbed them with the palm of your hand, brightening the dimly lit tubes. The first area you came across was the main hold. Its main features consisted of an uncovered white couch arranged in a semi-circle around a table. Behind the couch, you noted something that could resemble a bed, perched on a platform.

            Continuing on straight into another hallway, you were lead around until you came to another door. It hissed as you pressed the trigger, opening to reveal three more beds—the crew’s quarters, perhaps. You sifted through the cabinets, your heart leaping as you came across some folded white fabric. You hoped that it wasn’t another sheet. Preserved in the confines of the dresser, it had not accumulated any type of filth. You shook it out nevertheless, revealing a long white dress. A shawl floated out and felt to the ground, along with a belt, which clattered onto the floor with a bang that made you jump. You were still on edge.

            Shrugging, you took off your shirt and replaced it with your newly acquired outfit. The dress had long flowing sleeves but was overall a fairly simple ensemble. You decided to forgo the shawl but fastened the belt around your waist, giving yourself more of an hourglass figure.

            Grateful to be fully clothed, you continued your tour. There was a freight elevator, some sort of engine room, a loading dock, and plenty of holding rooms for storage. Relatively small, you figured, but quite practical. With a good cleaning and perhaps an amended Hyperdrive, it would make for a good ship. Not that you knew anything about ships. But you liked it.

            Satisfied with your findings, you ventured back to the cockpit. Kylo stood silently, glancing out at the stars, his hands placed regally behind his back.

            “Everything okay?”

            He turned to you, snapped out of whatever thoughts he had been engrossed in. As his face fell on your outfit, his jaw dropped, his eyes flashing in unconcealed shock.

            “What is it?” It was a nice dress, certainly, but you wouldn’t consider it ‘jaw-dropping’.

            “Th-that dress. You—take it off.” Brown eyes wide, Kylo stuttered a bit, but the message was clear. No dress. Dress. Bad.

            “This is all I could find, and I’m not about to walk around half naked.” Kylo made no wisecrack this time, but instead stalked out of the cockpit, waves of anger and hurt rolling off of him. You frowned, left alone with the quiet beeping of controls. What had you done? He was certainly a confusing man, but you couldn’t see what was so offensive about the dress.

            You took a seat and gazed at the passing stars. It had only been about a month or so since you had left Naboo, but it felt like an eternity. You had discovered so much—and even made a friend. A pang of worry shot through you as you thought of Jase. Was he okay? Did he get home safely?

            Suddenly, a wave of tiredness hit you. Suppressing a yawn, you padded back to the room where you had found the dress, heading for one of the beds. As you took a seat, a cloud of dust rose to meet you, and you let out a series of hacking coughs. Despite your discomfort, sleep found you very quickly. You were nothing less than exhausted.

 

           

            Your dreams were restless, surfacing as the painful memories that constantly plagued your mind. You were on the train, glancing out the window, watching as Ben faded into the distance. The majority of your journey had been spent tearfully looking out that window, reflecting on your love and your loss. You had abandoned your training to look after your dying father.

            It was the biggest sacrifice of your life, and it wasn’t entirely out of pure familial obligation. Your father was a cruel man, a raging drunk, and returning to him was not a decision you made lightly. But he was alone. You believed that no-one deserved to die alone—not even the man who was responsible for the bruises that had marked your childhood.

            Your left hand rested on the other reason. You had discovered that you were pregnant only a week prior, during a routine medical screening. It had come as a shock, and you knew that you had to leave before you started to show. The nurse had been just as surprised as you, but she had promised not to make note of it in your file. Intimacy was forbidden amongst the Jedi, and you were sure that Master Luke would not be pleased with his nephew becoming a father.

            If you told Ben about your child, you knew that he would abandon his training in a heartbeat. But you couldn’t do that to him. He was on the path to becoming the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy. You knew it. He knew it. And Luke knew it. You also knew that you could not continue your training and birth a child in secret. You had to leave.

            Your father’s letter arrived a few days later, giving you the perfect out. You had to go to him. Luke was understanding, letting you know that you were free to return at any time. If only he knew. Ben had offered to accompany you, and of this Luke was less understanding. Ben knew about your father’s abusive past, but you assured him that the man was far too weak to harm you, and even if he tried, you could handle yourself now. He relented, although he was overtly unhappy about it.

            Leaving was the hardest thing you had ever done. Your heart had just about been torn in two; half of your heart was left with Ben. Moving on had never been your strong suit, but you decided that you would raise your child as best you could, and how you thought that Ben would want. He never spoke of his own parents, and you knew that they had hurt him in sending him away, perhaps more than that. You vowed to never leave your child.

            Your father was tolerable at best. He looked frail and feeble, a drastic contrast from how he had carried himself in your youth. You made him soup and fetched his books as he ordered you about, typically in an ungrateful and demanding manner. The only relief you received was in Ben’s routine letters. He wrote you once a week, and despite the fact that you knew you could never reply, you cherished them. He would inform you of the Jedi happenings, his training, and he often included his frustrations with his uncle. Overbearing and difficult, he had said. You could relate, you thought, sparing a glance at your father.

            As time went on, the letters became less frequent until they stopped altogether. They had ended on a pleading note, begging you to respond or at least give him some indication that you were alright. You reread them, hanging onto every word, and found tears staining their pages.

            Your father died on a rainy day, and you found yourself utterly alone. Not that you missed his company, but you did not relish the solitude, either. Your father had died alone and bitter; a small part of you was worried that you were destined to the same fate. You touched your stomach lightly, hoping that when the time came, you would have your child at your side. It gave you hope. The child was your last connection to Ben.

            You had been having disconcerting dreams since your arrival, but soon the nightmares had started to worsen. At first, you thought that your fears of your father had manifested into dreams, but they continued well past his death. The darkness of your dream resonated solitude and abandonment, and you sensed a strong pull the darkness. Ben was often there, standing alone in anguish. He looked tired, the light completely gone from his eyes. Though they often made little sense, the dreams worried you.

            One morning, after a particularly gruesome dream, you decided that you needed to see him, even from afar. You needed to make sure that he was alright. Selecting your most baggy clothes and a cowl for a disguise, you boarded the train once again, to return. You were met with the sight of burning rubble, with Ben nowhere to be found. It felt as though you stood there now, that ripping pain tearing through you once again.

 

 

            You sat up, panting for air, hands on your heaving chest. Damp hair was plastered to your forehead in sweat and tears tinged your cheeks. As you sat there, isolated in the dark room, it dawned on you. You had Kylo just as much as he had left you. You had abandoned him too, no matter how unintentional. Had your absence played a part in his turn to the Dark Side? “No…no…no!”

            Light streamed into the room as the door opened with a whoosh. Kylo stood on the threshold, silhouetted in the brightness, dark against light.

            “What’s wrong?” he asked, flicking on the overhead bulbs. The entire room was washed in a bright glow, and you squinted at him through tired eyes. A look of worry surfaced on his face as he took in the sight before him. You were a hot mess.

            Tears continued to stream down your cheeks and your lips trembled, unable to speak. He took a seat on the bed next to you, the mattress shifting under his weight.

            “I’m sorry I was cross with you.”

            You hiccupped. “I had…I had a bad dream.” He furrowed his brows at this.

            “What about?”

            You took a controlled breath. “Kylo, did you think that I abandoned you? When I left all those years ago?”

            He looked down at his lap, not knowing how to respond.

            “I read your letters. Every single one.”

            “It doesn’t matter now,” he said quietly.

            “Yes, it does. I’ve been blaming you this entire time for leaving me, when I left you too,” your voice cracked slightly as you spoke, and he put a comforting arm around you.

            “Listen to me. You are in no way responsible for my choices. I made mistakes. Cas, that was a mistake,” he winced, “a one-time slip-up, years after I joined the First Order. I have done plenty of things that do not sit well with me, but none of that has anything to do with you.”

            You fell into him, uncontrollable sobs wracking your body.  

            “Hey, hey,” he continued soothingly, “I understand. Do you hear me? I know why you did what you did and I understand. It was an impossible situation, and you gave up everything to save my reputation and the child. It was selfless. My motivations were purely selfish. I am at fault here, not you.”

            You glanced up at him tearfully. “Did you join the Dark Side because I wasn't there?”  

            He shook his head. “No. I joined the Dark Side because I recognized its power and opportunity. It was my destiny.”

            You studied him carefully. He was being honest, you realized. He truly believed that it was his destiny to fight for the First Order, on the Dark Side of the Force. This was not a choice that he actively regretted, either, although you sensed a great conflict in him. He had compassion. Ties to the Light. Family. Love. But he also had great ambition fueled by great pain.

            “Now, try to get some rest. Let go of the past. It’s the only way to become what you are meant to be.” He was talking to you, but it felt as though he was reassuring himself.  

            You shook your head. “The past makes us who we are. It might be painful sometimes, but it is happy too. Our pasts are a part of us.” Kylo clearly disagreed, but he didn’t say any more. Instead, he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and got up to leave.

            “Wait.”

            He hesitated in the doorway.

            “The child…he would have been a boy.”

            He turned to face you again, his face pained. “Does he have a name?”

            You nodded, hesitating for a moment. “Ben.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is hella fast-paced but i'm excited to write the next chapter. there will be smut soon, i promise ahahha; i needed to write some fluff to get over the writer's block. and i finally have some direction, thank god.
> 
>  
> 
> also, side note: kylo is really difficult to write since he is constantly both excessively emotional and stiffly reserved. oof.


	7. The Two Sides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo finally opens up. Snoke is a dick. Drama ensues.

         Kylo shuddered under your touch, his hands shaking at his sides. You had woken again to his tantrum; he had destroyed a load of old cargo. By the time you arrived at his side; however, he appeared to have calmed down significantly. He was down on his knees in the middle of the wreckage, panting heavily. The damage was still smoldering and clouds of disturbed dust hung in the air.

         “I didn’t mean to lose control,” he mused, glancing up at you from under his dark lashes. You blinked at him, not wanting to pry.

         “I know. It’s okay, no harm done.”

         “I think these goods would disagree with that statement,” he said dryly, waving a gloved hand at the surrounding destruction he had caused.

         “Believe it or not,” you sat down next to him, “I don’t think that anyone will miss this stuff.” He let out a shaky sigh and relaxed a bit, slumping into you, placing his head in your lap. The two of you stayed like that for a while, getting lost in a comfort that neither of you had experienced in a long time. He was beautiful. And he was here. You ran your hands absentmindedly through his obsidian curls, marveling at how silky they were under your fingers.

         “Conditioner.”

         “Are you reading my thoughts? _Kylo_!”

         He smirked a little. “You’re projecting them again. You think I’m handsome, by the way.” 

         You huffed at him. “That isn’t fair. What are _you_ thinking?”

         “About you? Or in general?”

         You glared down at him. He blinked up at you innocently, waiting for an answer, the only giveaway of his true intentions being the irritatingly smug smile that he wore. For once, you didn’t know what to say, so you held your breath. He rose to meet you, his expression one of a fond softness.

         “Anything,” you murmured finally, slowly brushing away a curl of hair that had fallen into his brow. Your eyes locked and the look you shared could have stopped time itself. Everything unspoken lingered there as you stared into the pools of brown he held in his irises. His guard was down, and the coldness he often harbored seemed to melt away into a swirl or warmth. Right now, the only people in the galaxy consisted of you and him.

         “I’m thinking…that…” he faltered, drawing a breath and averting his gaze, “…I’m _wishing_ … that things were different. That we weren’t destined to be apart.”

         “Oh, Kylo,” you breathed, taking his unsteady hands in yours. You chose your next words very carefully. You wanted to comfort him, to tell him that he was not resigned to a predestined fate—that he could live according to his own free will—but you knew that he would not believe you. He accepted his solitude as the truth; his path was the price of his power. “I will always be right here, no matter how far you go, no matter what you do.” You touched his chest lightly, feeling his heart beating rapidly under your fingertips.

         He responded by pressing his lips to yours, slowly, cautiously at first. Two pairs of aching lips met and opposing sides clashed together, souls entwining. He was familiar and his body radiated heat. As you melted into his embrace you tried to memorize every detail of how he felt; how on top of the world you felt when he touched you. If you could, you would keep that feeling in a bottle and protect it with your life.

          A strong hand ran through your hair, resting at the back of your head, holding you close. The same hand that could destroy a man within seconds held you gently, drawing you into him. There was a sweetness to his tactility that made you feel safer than ever. You deepened the kiss, his lips parting eagerly in response. Effortlessly, your tongues explored each other in a fluent dance as if you had never left each other’s sides. Every stroke from him gave you an indescribable feeling—one that you had thought you would never feel again. Never had you so easily found yourself in another, and you knew that he was the only man who could ever make you feel like this. But he wasn’t just any man, he was the Commander of the First Order. It was impossible that you could have him, you knew, but future and Force be damned; you would have him for tonight.

         “Kylo,” you broke the kiss, trembling with anticipation, “I want you.”

         He stood up in response, taking you with him. You wrapped your legs around his torso, pressing yourself firmly against his body. Your thighs pressed against him as he carried you to into the quarters. Never once did his lips move more than an inch from the vicinity of yours. He used one hand to wipe everything off the dresser, causing a multitude of items to clutter to the floor. Neither of you cared.

         The wood was cold under you, and a biting chill washed over you as you pulled the fabric of the dress over your head, tossing it aside. The delicate skin on your body was taut with gooseflesh and your nipples hardened with the temperature and the arousal. Kylo drank in the sight of you, subtly biting his lower lip, which was swollen from your kisses.

         “You’re so fucking beautiful,” he hummed, taking off a glove and reaching out a hand to cup your cheek. You leaned into his touch, turning your head to plant a light kiss on his calloused palm. He leaned in, planting kisses down your exposed neck, sucking the skin lightly to mark you as his. Hot breath fanned your collarbones as he nipped at them, leaving hickeys in his wake. Every part of you wanted to feel his lips all over, to be claimed by them and he by yours in return.

         A jolt of electricity flooded through you as he worked his way to your breasts, taking his sweet time tracing his fingers around your nipples and flicking over them with his tongue. His hands then glided into your wet folds, grazing your clit and extracting a sinful moan from deep inside of you. Skillfully, his fingers swirled around the nub, the feeling building along with the desire that swelled inside of you.

         “Oh, Kylo, please!” You could not take it anymore. You wanted him to fuck you. He pushed two fingers inside of you in response to your pleas and your walls clenched around him. Your mouth fell open and you released a breathy moan as he begun to work faster.  

         You rucked up his shirt, splaying your hands over his abs. The rough feel of old scars and the curves of his muscles lingered beneath your fingers as you worked your hands down to his belt. Whatever he had been doing for the past seven years, he had gained an impressive amount of muscle. And a frightening amount of wounds. With shaking hands, you unbuckled his belt, allowing his substantial erection to spring free. He leaned over you, his face drawing near to yours, dragging his fingers languidly over your reddened lips and grazing your teeth. You took them into your mouth and sucked slowly, meeting his fiery gaze. Without breaking from his stare, you wrapped your hands around the girth of his cock, moving up and down his shaft with compounding speed. He made a low noise of satisfaction, pressing a frantic kiss to your lips. Your breath mingled with his as you stared at each other, his expression of burning intensity mirroring your own. It was as if you had woken up from a long slumber, and you were finally _living_ again. The powerful connection you felt with him transcended that of any other.

         He pulled his shirt over his head, finally completely exposed to you. Your eyes raked over his body, committing every one of his striking features to memory. He stood before you, hands by his side, completely vulnerable. Overcome with emotion, you wanted to hug him; to hold him and never let him go. You stood to meet him, pressing your body against his. He ran his hands down your back, the tension ebbing from your muscles as he worked his way down to your hips. 

         As you remained pressed together, naked, he teased your entrance, wetness pooling there. Every part of you wanted him. Your breasts pushed against his chest as his hips met yours. Every hair stood on end in anticipation as you leaned in to kiss him again, getting on your tiptoes to urge your lips to his. He joined them with a fervent need, walking you backwards until your back touched the wall.

         “Kylo,” you whined impatiently.

         He breathed your name, before sliding his hands between your hips and picking you up to meet him. Your legs wrapped again around his lower back instinctively as he held you against the wall. For a brief moment, you paused, both breathing hard. He looked back at you with a cocktail of emotions—desire, longing, feeling, and fear. It was as though he worried that you would break under his touch and vanish from his arms in an instant.

         As he thrust into you, a cry escaped your lips as pain mingled with intense pleasure, nails digging into his back. He glanced at you, his eyes holding a flicker of concern.

         “Don’t stop, for the love of god.”

         His thrusts began to build, his firm muscles working under your hands, rippling with each movement. The wild feeling inside of you threatened to take over you as you were blinded by sensuality. It was although your brain could no longer sense anything other than him. It was maddening. Each stroke from him sent waves of pleasure tearing through you, small moans escaping your lips as you struggled to control them.

         Kylo let out a strangled “ _Fuck_.” as he drew a ragged breath, moving faster inside of you. Skin slapped against skin as he pinned you firmly against the wall, holding you securely in place as he rammed into you. It was savage and uncontrolled, perhaps, but you had not felt this much emotion and decadence in your life. You were reaching your climax. The pressure built, heat pooling in your abdomen as you desperately held back your release.   

         “K-Kylo! Oh, Kylo!”

         Your nails broke his skin as he came without warning, his cock pulsing inside of you. He cursed your name, followed by a string of expletives as his warm release dripped from your throbbing sex. It gave you a twisted sense of gratification beneath the panic that was setting in. You tried to regain your composure, your senses still attuned into him and too hazy to think clearly.

         “Did you just?”

         He raked a hand through his sweaty black locks, backing away from you. “I’m sorry, Maker, I’ll fix it—I’ll just—it…”

         “Shhh,” you went to him, face calm, “I’ll just get the pill. It’s fine.”

         “Control is not exactly my strong suit in general but…I haven’t…” he glanced at the ground, embarrassed, “it’s been a while.”

         A smile found its way to your lips. “I’d be happy to lend you the practice.”

 

        _________________________

 

         It felt as though you were floating on air. Your mind was awake before your body was able to catch up, still reveling in a state of bliss. By the time your eyes were open it felt as though you had been up for hours. A clean sheet was strewn over you, pulled overtly to your side, leaving Kylo quite bare in comparison. He lay on his stomach, the curves of his broad naked physique on full display. A large hand rested on your stomach, moving with the rise and fall of your breathing. Guiltily, you draped a significant portion of the sheets back over him, evening the distribution. You naturally tended to hog the sheets, and despite his former tendency to call it endearing, you knew that he had been sparing your feelings. As the fabric made contact with his skin, he stirred a little, a small smile gracing his sleeping features.

         Another feeling of content bliss drifted over you, bringing a smile to your face as well. Despite their complexities, things seemed to be looking up. Last night had proven that to you. Kylo still had his humanity. The way he had looked at you made your heart flutter wildly, even now. Not to mention the way your entire body felt, even now.

         Glancing at the small alarm clock, you realized that it was well past noon; however, you had no intention of getting up. If you got up then the fantasy would end, and he would be gone from you again.

         A jolt roused you a second time, disconnecting your warm recollections of last night. Instantly, you were overcome with a gut reaction of uneasiness—just as you had been in the desert. You hadn’t felt it since, but the sensation was undeniable.

         The Force hummed around you uncertaintly, and a terse energy seemed to surround it. This time, you vowed to keep your composure. You were safe. Glancing back at Kylo’s sleeping figure next to you, you drew a breath. _You were safe_. But something was happening to you, of that you were certain, and you needed to know what it was; this time, you wouldn’t fight it. Taking a deep breath, you reached out with your mind.

         At first, nothing seemed to happen. The five senses you were accustomed to seemed to dull, but nothing more. Without warning, your surroundings shifted, swinging wildly as a blinding flash of red seemed to engulf you. The sound was muffled, but a gravelly voice was calling out to you. The ghoulish figure sat in a dark throne, his hands draped lazily over the armrests. His face was pale as a corpse and his jaw twisted, a jarring leer marking his mouth. While he seemed to be little taller than Kylo, his presence seemed to loom much larger than life.

         You were frozen in place, your chest tightening abruptly as you met his stare. His eyes were otherworldly and cold—far colder than that of his conflicted apprentice. He waved a hand ever so slightly and the great pain resurfaced in your head, causing you to let out an anguished cry. A pounding sensation spurted from behind your eye and you doubled over to the floor. Just as quickly as it had come, the headache evaporated. You found yourself kneeling before him.

         “Interesting. This is quite interesting.” He spoke Basic, his voice chilling. It was unbelievably deep, yet he spoke with the inflections of a human. The words sounded directly in your ears, in your head, and they seemed to entirely surround you; he seemed to be everywhere at once, although his form sat directly before you. All other noises had been deadened altogether; it was an unpleasant and disorienting sensation.

         Your inner monologue screamed at you to snap out of it. It was a trap. This was not real. This could be no one other than Supreme Leader Snoke. He was not here. He was in your head, but he held no real power over you, not here. But you remained rooted to the spot, cemented in place.

         “I have been anticipating this moment for a very long time,” he tilted his head, “but it seems that my apprentice was not too keen on us meeting. He has been spending all of his energy on keeping me out of your head…silly _boy_ , he knows that he cannot beat me, despite his lineage.”

         Your thoughts were racing. Kylo had known all along that his Master was trying to breach your mind, and he had prevented it? Why had he not said anything? Warned you? Told you to quiet your thoughts?  
         “Yes, he knew. And he held off my advances for a considerable time, I am almost impressed. If he wasn’t an insolent fool, perhaps I would be.” You bristled at this, instantly jumping to Kylo’s defense.

         “He has shown nothing but bravery.”

         Snoke sneered. “Compassion and disobedience, not bravery. He forgets his place. He is weak.” You glowered at him, suddenly feeling a burst of boldness. _He could not harm you here._ You reminded yourself of this, willing it to be true.

         He laughed at your thoughts. “But I am here, child. I am in your mind, at the root of your being. How do you think I first appeared to your precious _Ben_?”

         “You condescending bastard! You’re a monster!” you spat, angry tears pricking your lashes.

         Snoke looked at you with intrigue, as you might regard a majestic animal in a cage. “You _are_ wrathful. Perhaps you would have made a good apprentice for Kylo Ren, had you not so foolishly suppressed your connection to the Force.”

         “No.”

         The Supreme Leader drummed his long white fingers on the armrest of his throne. “It _is_ a shame you lost that child. The bloodline must inevitably continue, and that would have been so easy. So perfect. And the blonde gone, too. Pity, she too would have made a great dam for my Knight of Ren.” He spoke mostly to himself now, the cruel musings of an apathetic fiend. Rage boiled inside of you, your hands trembling at your sides.

         “How dare you. You are disgusting. _Sick_.”

         “Not disgusting,” he countered, “practical. Power is accumulated through the careful manipulation of other power.” The way he emphasized the word power accentuated your fear. He would raze the entire galaxy for a taste more. 

         You fixed him with a stare. “But your precious _Knight of Ren_ isn’t at your side right now. He’s at mine.”

         “Interesting.” He spoke again, to himself. “That spirit. It is a shame that you must die.” With that, you found yourself back in the crew’s quarters, unmoved from your position.

         Kylo was leaning over you, panic in his eyes. “You’re okay, I’m here, it’s okay.”

         You sat up, pressing yourself against him to feel warm. He waited for you to speak.

         “It was Snoke. He breached my mind.”

         “I know.”  
         “I—he…he is awful.” 

         “I know.”

         You turned to face him, your expression pleading. “You cannot go back to him. The things he said—he—you just cannot go back there. Run away with me—we don’t even have to go to the Resistance, we can go anywhere. Disappear. Be _happy_.”

         His face fell. “I…can’t do that.”

         You tilted his chin up to look at you. “I’m not leaving you again.”

         He was silent for a moment, thinking something over. Finally, after lengthy deliberation, he turned to you. “I know what I have to do. I just don’t know if I will have the strength to do it. But I need to return to the First Order.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, i am so sorry for the wait. oof. 
> 
> but moving on-- can i just tell you how much i love your comments? i'm actually quaking; they make me smile. feedback is really important to me, especially since i hadn't written in a long time prior to this bad boy. i'll admit, i'm rusty. really rusty. and sometimes i struggle. sometimes i really rush my writing. but you are all so supportive and lovely, and i'm so happy that you like the story. incredible. unbelievable. 
> 
> this chapter took forever due to the embarrassing fact that i have never written smut this graphic before. i feel like it's always been too vanilla - but this time around i am pushing myself to get this right. channel my inner diana gabaldon and all that. if you have any constructive criticism for me, now is the time to use lay it on. hit me with it like a new yorker driving on a back country road. i'm here to learn and improve as i go. 
> 
> chapter eight should be out faster, i hope. sorry again, and thank you for reading!


	8. The Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Kylo share some things. He has to face some people from his past and some tough decisions ensue.

                        Your thoughts were swirling as you stepped off _The Falcon_. Kylo had withdrawn for a few hours, clearly not knowing how he should handle himself. Truth be told, you were unsure of how you should act as well. You had basically asked the man to run off with you and he had said no. Part of you was humiliated, and the other part heartbroken. _I have to return to the First Order_ , he had said. Of course, he did—he was a Commander. He was a hair away from leading the entire regime; how foolish had you been to think that he would choose you?

            “Can you manage alone? I need to gather some things for our journey.” Kylo was formal with you, but his tone was not unpleasant.

            “Of course.” Hanna City was familiar to you and him as well—he had grown up here. You wondered if the house still belonged to his family and if they were there now.

            As you walked to the pharmacy you took the time to marvel at the beauty of the area. The architecture of the city was magnanimous and impressive, and the atmosphere was unparalleled. There was a sort of lazy flow to the surrounding traffic, and while the city held an energy, it was in no hurry. The air was warm and a gentle breeze blew through your hair. The little building sat on the street corner, it’s faded sign swinging in the summer air.

            As you stepped inside, your eyes fell on a kindly looking man. He stood at the counter, glasses resting on the tip of his nose, inspecting something. He looked older, with graying hair and a tremor in his hands as he held the bottle. The bell dinged as the door fell shut behind you, but he did not look up. Instead, he called out.

            “Solo, would you assist whoever just walked in?”

            _Solo_?

            “I don’t work here, Rayad.” A girl swung her legs lazily over the counter and landed on her feet with a thump. She was tall, probably around five-foot-eleven, with dark curly hair pulled into a messy bun atop her head. Full lips were drawn into an amused grin and blue-grey eyes met yours. It was the eyes that distinguished her from him. The height, the hair, the lips, the beauty marks, the nose…they all mirrored each other. But the girl had the eyes of Luke Skywalker.

            You must have looked stunned, because she cleared her throat. “Can I help you find anything? I just come here for the drugs but you pick up a few things after a while.”

            “That isn’t funny,” Rayad called from behind her, overhearing her remark.

            “N-no, I’m fine,” you insisted, still stunned at the resemblance she bore to Kylo.

            “I’m half joking, c’mon. What are you looking for?” The girl was persistent, if not brisk. She held a bottle of what was presumably alcohol in one hand and had a worn satchel strung over her shoulder; she had likely been on her way out. Her demeanor surprised you, somehow. Despite being, no doubt, Kylo’s sister, she was nothing like him. She donned a brown leather jacket and tan form-fitting pants, with a blaster visibly equipped at her side. No lightsaber. No dark colors. Bubbly and open personality, if not perhaps a little intoxicated.

            “Hello?”

            “Oh, oh, sorry.” You were stunned. “I’m looking for, em, the morning after pill?”

            “That a question or a statement? No judgment here.” She winked at you, motioning for you to follow her down an aisle. In front of you stood an array of pills with various descriptions. She thumbed through them, landing on one which she tossed to you. You fumbled a bit but managed to catch it awkwardly.

            “This one never fails me.” She flashed you another smile before turning to leave.

            “Um, thank you!” you called after her retreating form, to which she threw a thumbs-up over her shoulder. The entire interaction had left you in utter shock, and you stared after her in disbelief, just in time to watch her take a swig of her drink and hold the door open for Kylo. They passed without noticing each other, with him focused on you and her otherwise preoccupied with her drink, plans, or something else entirely.

            You stared at in bewilderment, clutching the pill she had given you to your chest. Kylo furrowed his brows at you as he approached, glancing down at your chest.

            “Everything alright? Do you have what you need?”  
            “Kylo…” you did not know exactly what to do in this situation. He was obviously estranged from his family, and as far as you knew, they thought him dead. A long time ago, he had mentioned having a sister, although you had assumed that she was far younger than him by the protective way he spoke of her. On the contrary, they seemed to be very close in age, possibly even twins.

            He waited patiently for you to speak, his face morphing from confusion to concern. “It isn’t too late to take the pill, is it?”

            “No, no, nothing like that. Actually, it… it is something completely different and very unrelated to what happened between you and I.” Now he looked completely perplexed.

            “Is something wrong?”

            “No, um, but I think I just ran into…um…Kylo?” you shifted your weight, “I think I just ran into your sister.” His eyes widened a fraction; that was clearly not at all what he had been expecting to hear.

            “My sister?” he repeated.

            “Tall. Dark hair. Blue eyes. Last name Solo?”

            He had a faraway look in his eyes, clearly just as shocked as you had been. “Bren.”

            “Bren and Ben Solo?” you smiled at this.

            “Brenna. Her name is Brenna. And she…we need to go.” Kylo yanked you somewhat roughly to the counter, where Rayad was looking at him in awe.

            “Ben Solo?!”

            Kylo froze, clearly kicking himself for walking into the building in the first place. His home city clearly hadn’t forgotten him, despite the fact that he clearly believed it had.

            “Uh, no, this is… you stumbled over yourself, although Rayad did not hear a word that you had said.

            “You were supposed to be dead, my boy,” he spoke to Kylo, “Your family, they will be delighted…oh, my…you just missed Bren! You have to go see Bren!” the old man was ecstatic, his face lighting up as he bounded around the counter to throw his arms around the estranged Solo. Before he could; however, Kylo held up a hand that froze him casually in place. Confusion, hurt, and possibly even fear flashed on Rayad’s face as he struggled against the invisible Force that held him.

            “You do not know me,” Kylo said tensely, waving a hand in a mesmerizing manner. Rayad unfroze, his expression once again blank, and he repeated the sentence in a trance-like state.

            “I do not know you,” he confirmed.

            You felt waves of pain and turmoil coming from Kylo, although he did not show it outwardly. Instead, he took the pill from your grasp, paid for it, and left.

            “Have a great day, you two!” Rayad called after you as the door swung shut behind you with a ding. The bell seemed to echo in your head as you walked through the sunny streets back to _The Falcon._ It was a beautiful day, but the beauty of the city seemed to fade along with Kylo’s mood. Reality seemed to be setting in; he had removed himself from the narrative of those he loved. Did that include you?

            Perhaps Ben Solo was truly gone, but you did not truly believe that. He had risked everything for you after seven years. That counted for something—and the way that he held you last night… Ben or Kylo, you knew that you felt something for him that you could not deny. He may be determined to push everyone away, but you had to find out some way to get through to him. Perhaps if you could just show him that he could allow himself to be loved, maybe he would come back with you.  

            The man in question was on high alert all of a sudden, his posture tense as he stalled in his tracks. A commotion sounded from nearby, and your guard was instantly up. Your blood pumped fast as you prepared to run again—had one of Snoke’s bounty-hunters found you two again? His last words had been: _it’s a shame you must die_. The Supreme Leader’s horrific face seemed to flash in your mind’s eye as his voice echoed in your head.

            A panicked crowd seemed to scatter before your eyes, and in the midst of the commotion, your heart lurched. Kylo seemed rooted to the spot, his eyes wide. You gave his arm a forceful tug, glancing wildly down the sidewalk.

            “Let’s _go_!”

            He had no intention of listening. You followed his gaze to the girl from the pharmacy—his sister. She ran through the crowd, her blaster drawn, her hair flying. In the action, you noticed, just how much she resembled him in a fight—even in her mannerisms.

            “Solo, you are not going to get away with this. You are just as unreliable as that scoundrel father of yours, and if I can’t get to him, I’ll settle for the next best thing.” A man drew a blaster opposite hers and thrust it threateningly in her direction. The crowd seemed to part, some sticking around to watch and others scurrying to safety.

            “J’risel, you have never been one to settle. But if that’s how you want to play it, so be it. Who is the better shot?” Bren appeared confident and assured, but you felt her doubt and hesitation. She did not doubt in her abilities, but her circumstance. She had never taken a life, you realized, at least not intentionally. You could almost hear every panicked thought that swirled around her now as she readied herself for an impossible decision. Now you understood what Kylo meant about projecting, it was unconscious; you didn’t mean to feel what she felt, but the fear running through you was overwhelming.

            Suddenly she seemed to notice something, her attention wavering slightly. She turned her head toward you, falling on Kylo where he stood at the edge of the crowd. Her blue eyes widened as she saw him. The twins stared at each other, a cacophony of emotions clouding their senses. Bren was in shock, but a blaster shot rang out before she could process what was happening.

            “No!” Kylo threw out his hand, freezing the blast in mid-air, just inches from her face. It crackled with energy and Bren stumbled back, her face pale and mouth agape.

            “A Force user!” Gasps echoed from the crowd and some turned to run. In the chaos, her opponent had fled, clearly not wanting to face the wrath that was Kylo Ren. As you looked to your left, you realized that Kylo was nowhere to be seen, either. The blast, now left unattended, flew into the ground harmlessly in a flurry of sparks.

            Bren let her blaster clatter into the street as she touched a locket around her neck. She caught her breath and glanced around wildly, no doubt looking for her brother.

            Your heart twisted in your chest as you ran through the crowd, away from Bren, away from the city. Kylo had to have returned to _The Falcon_ , and you counted on him waiting for you there.  He better be there.

 

 

______________________ 

 

 

            He wore the mask again. That was the first thing that you noticed as you entered the ship. As soon as he saw you; however, he took it off in one swift motion and let it clatter to the floor beside him.

            Dark circles that you had overlooked had taken up residence under his eyes, which gazed sorrowfully down at you. A red stripe dashed across his nose where the mask had pressed against it. His hair was drenched in sweat and clung to his cheeks in dark strands. His lips parted slightly as he let out a shaky breath.

            “I do not know what to do,” he said finally, “Tell me what to do.”

            You shook your head. “You have had enough people tell you what to do in your lifetime, Kylo. You need to decide this on your own.”

            “Please.” You froze at the pleading in his voice.

            “I am right here. And I will help you with whatever you want me to. But I cannot tell you what to do. She is your family.”

            He sank to his knees, head in his hands. You instinctively moved forwards, lightly touching his shoulders as he rested his head against your stomach. His silent tears stained your shirt, but you didn’t care. You kept your gentle hands on him, working them in comforting circles at the base of his neck down to his shoulder blades. He visibly relaxed under your touch, although waves of despair continued to flow off of him.

            _I’m alone. I have lost everyone. Everyone but you. And I will have to leave you soon, and it will break me all over again. Because I love you so much that it scares me, and I love the beautiful strong woman that you have become. You have the strength that I do not, and thank the Maker for that._

            Your breath caught in your throat. You had heard his thoughts. They rang out clear in your head. He loved you. He loved you. He really…loved you.

            “I love you too.”

            Kylo looked up at you, his brown eyes emanating his visible shock.

            “You are not alone,” you continued, “do you hear me?”

            He rose gingerly to meet you, touching your cheek, the cool leather sending a shiver running through you. You leaned into him, feeling tears of events past prick your lashes.

            “You heard my thoughts,” he remarked, sounding mildly impressed.

            “If I was a pretentious Force user, I’d remind you not to project them if you wish to keep them private.”

            He grinned sheepishly at you, wiping the stray tear that had rolled down your cheek away with his thumb. “You’re getting stronger with the Force.”

            You shrugged, smiling a little. “You still put me to shame.”

            He kissed the top of your head lightly, his lips lingering there for a moment. “It’s time to go.”

            “Kylo?”

            “Yes?”  
            “Your sister loves you too, I felt it. You could go home to her, to your family. It is not too late.”

            He winced. “I can never go home.”

            “That isn’t true. I met your parents when I was a medic for the Resistance. They think you are dead—and they miss you—”

            “They know that I am alive. Last year…Han tried to bring me home and…” he closed his eyes, “I lost my family by my own hand, and I am a monster. You are naïve if you believe otherwise.”

            You looked at him in confusion. “I could never believe that you are a monster. Ben Solo or Kylo Ren, you are the man I love.”  

            “Now, maybe, but you do not know what I have done. Secrets do not stay hidden in the galaxy.”

            You frowned. “What do you mean?”

            He kissed the top of your head lightly, his lips lingering there for a moment. “It’s time to go.”

            “Are you sure?”

            “I am.” There was little resolve in his voice, but it was not a question. Being Kylo Ren meant leaving; he had confirmed that in his thoughts. And he would leave you too, no matter how you might feel about one another. Because he has done something that he believes he cannot come back from.   _Because you were destined to be apart_.

 

           

_________________________

 

 

            The trip to Hanna City had been useful to Kylo; he had discovered the location of a small Resistance base and sent word ahead of your arrival. Leia would be there to receive you, although she had no idea that it was her son who would be escorting you. You wondered whether Leia had truly discovered that he was alive. You had seen her devastation at the loss of her son.

            “How much longer do we have?” You took a seat beside Kylo in the cockpit with a solemn expression. His face was unreadable once again, but you knew that he was conflicted. But you also knew that he would leave. Turmoil or no, his mind was made up.

            “Less than an hour. Do you have your belongings together?”

            You nodded, placing the knapsack you had packed in your lap.

            “I have something for you,” he said quietly, dipping into his infinite robes and pulling out the familiar hilt of a lightsaber. _His_ lightsaber. The lightsaber of Ben Solo.

            “Why?” You thought that the weapon had been destroyed—but he had kept it.

            “I want you to continue your training. You are stronger in the Force than you know; it would be a shame to waste such a gift.”

            You frowned at him. “I want no part of it—and even if I did, I have no teacher.”

            “You know more than you think. Trust in yourself. Learn from your past.”

            “I—I cannot fight in this war, Kylo. I detest the First Order, but I will not fight against you.” The hint of a smile tugged at his lips.

            “Who said anything about fighting me? You may have potential, but I have years of training. That would just be overtly unfair.”

            “Then why? Why do you want me to learn?”

            His smile faded. “ _You_ want to learn. You wished to become Jedi, and you sacrificed that dream for me. I stole it from you. But despite repressing your connection to the Force, it lingers in you. You know as well as I that you were meant to play a part in this.”

            “Maybe. But there are no Jedi. Not anymore.”  
            Kylo scoffed. “You do not need the Jedi. You do not need anyone to dictate how you use the Force. You must find that path for yourself.”

            “Snoke dictates how you use the Force,” you pointed out.

            “Not for long,” He thrust the lightsaber into your arms and stood to take his leave, “We are here.”  

            The ship was lowered onto the ground amidst a gathering of resistance pilots. It seemed like they had just returned from a mission; they exited their crafts with exhausted expressions and left them to the droids. Despite the crowd of people, they seemed quite unconcerned by the arrival of The Falcon, and completely oblivious as to who piloted it.

            For a moment, all was still as the commotion of droids and pilots bustled around you. You were hesitant to speak--because if you did it would surely be a goodbye. But it was time; you could not prevent the inevitable.

            “Do we say goodbye here?”

            Kylo’s lips were pursed in a thin line, and he looked paler than usual. “I’ll walk you to her. I need to speak with her.”

            You blinked at him in surprise but did not argue. The Commander of the First Order walking into the heart of the Resistance seemed unwise, but you had seen first-hand Leia’s love for her son. She would not harm him. Then again, she was not the only general on the base. Perhaps Kylo should be worried, although you knew that he was fully capable of protecting himself.

            The two of you hovered by the exit ramp, looking at the looming door that separated you from the outside world. You took Kylo’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He pulled you into his arms one last time, holding you close as though he were afraid you would break if he let go.

            There was so much that you wanted to say to him, but no words could express how you felt in this moment. You did not even want to think about what you felt, you just wanted to feel his reassuring touch.

            “It’s time.”

            You glanced up at him with a somber gaze. “Together.”

            The door descended with a hiss, drawing a few stray glances. Kylo’s looming figure drew more attention, followed by swirls of conversation. He wore no mask, but his cowl and swirling black robes were enough to make anyone speculate.

            The engineers and pilots seemed to turn to one man in particular. He was quick to meet you, fearlessly fixing his gaze on the man next to you.

            “Kylo Ren. We meet again. And no mask this time. I must say, you are a lot younger than I would have expected.”

            Kylo smiled coldly down at the other man, his lips forming a sneer of recognizable disdain. “Pilot. You look well.”

            “No thanks to you,” the pilot studied the two of you with a lingering confusion, “but why have you come here? If you knew the location of our base, why not blow it up?” There was an edge to his tone; an intensity flashed in his eyes as he spoke.  

            Kylo hummed dismissively. “Clearly I am not here to blow anything up. That is more your forte. Nice work on the Dread-Knot, by the way. Foolish, but lucky.”  

            The pilot smirked. Kylo glowered, although he attempted to conceal his frustration.

            “I am not here to talk with you, Dameron, as interesting as your conversation may be. I need to deliver this girl to…General Organa.”

             “If you are under the impression that you will be getting anywhere _near_ the General, you are sorely mistaken,” growled the other man.

            Now it was Kylo’s turn to smirk. “Perhaps she can decide that for herself. Tell her that Ben Solo needs to speak with her regarding the medic.”

            Dameron’s face faltered, paling slightly. “Y-you? Ben Solo? I don’t believe it.”

            You sensed Kylo’s doubt at the use of his name. Perhaps he didn’t believe it either. Would his mother want to see him?

            The pilot raised a blaster, his arm steady despite his shaken demeanor. “You are a liar. And if it’s true, then you are a traitor.”

            “Poe, stand down.” A commanding voice cut through the air. A woman appeared at the entrance of the hanger, flanked by a squadron of Resistance soldiers on either side. Leia looked older; she was tired and wary. Her face was full of pain as she gazed at the face of her estranged son.

            “Ben. You’ve grown up.”

            “So have you.” His voice was icy.

            Her eyes fell on the ship on which you had come. “The _Millennium Falcon_. You always wanted to pilot her as a kid.” A sad smile graced her features.

            “Observant as always, Leia. I have not come to reminisce about my childhood.”

            “Why have you come?” There was no hostility in her tone, just regret.

            Kylo’s eyes softened a little as he looked at you. “I have the medic.”

            “You were the one who contacted us about her?” She looked at you as well, a warm recognition flickering in her eyes.

            “General, all due respect, but this is a trap,” Poe—Dameron—whatever the name of the pilot may be—spoke up now, “Why would _he_ give us one of our medics back? And why is, no offense, some medic I have never heard of so important?” Ouch.

            Leia looked at you with the hint of a knowing smile. “I will handle this, Poe. Everyone, back to your posts. I have some private matters to attend to.” A mummer rippled through the crowd but they dispersed as ordered, vanishing into the hangar.            

            “I would be honored to have you working for us again,” the General turned to you, “but are you sure that this is what you want? I remember why you left.”

            You looked to Kylo, who eyed you with the semblance of concern. The reason you had left was not one that you had shared with him verbally, but you assumed that he knew. Routinely having people die in your arms had become too much for you, and you had experienced a vicious downward spiral. Naboo had been your place of healing, and you had vowed to never return to the war. But you would have to be stronger now.

            “I will do my very best to help you, General.”

            She turned to Kylo. “Talk to me. Why come here? Why bring her here?” a flicker of hope shown in her eyes, “Come home, Ben. Please.”

            He swallowed hard. “I need you to protect her. Supreme Leader has become a threat, and the only organization who can protect her now is the Resistance.”

            “I’ll protect you, too. You are my son. I will protect you both.” Leia had a fierce look in her eyes.

            “Your son,” Kylo paused, “is dead.”

            Leia shook her head. “Only a Solo would cross the galaxy and risk his life to save the woman he loves after seven years. You are like your father before you; you are my son.”

            Kylo closed his eyes. “I am sorry. I truly am. But I am not your son. Not anymore.”

            “Please, Ben, come back to me. I never stopped loving you. I just want you to come home.”

            “You cannot love me, mother. Not after what I have done,” he paused and drew a breath, “And even if you are as foolish as my father—to assume that I still love _you_ —I did not come here for you. I have done all that I came to do.”

            The next few seconds seemed to crawl by. Kylo sauntered back to the ship without a second glance, without a goodbye. He was gone in a hiss of smoke. The heartbreak in the air was palpable—that of his mother matched your own. You both knew that it would be the last time that you saw him.

            As you watched The Falcon take off one last time, Leia put a comforting hand on your shoulder. “I know,” she said softly.  

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof leia & kylo scenes are sad :( i can't wait to read the tlj novelization and cry! now that kylo has completed his mission and betrayed snoke, what will become of him? who knows. toodles.


	9. The Resistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you start to settle into a new routine- but a cryptic note could change everything. and whatever did happen to kylo ren?

            As soon as you were cleared, you were given a small room at the back of the compound. For days, you remained there, falling in and out of a restless sleep. Meals were brought to you, but little effort was made to have you leave your room. Leia did not pry, but would sit at the edge of your bed when she had the time. Sometimes she was silent, sometimes she read to you, and sometimes she told you about her day. You liked her company, although you rarely spoke.

            One night, you fell into a fever-dream. The dream made little sense in your disoriented state.  Flashes of red seemed to engulf you as noises echoed from all around. There was a voice, but it spoke in an ancient language that you did not understand. There was darkness everywhere; there was a fear that crept its way into your bones. Through the swirling smoke, you saw Kylo, rage in his eyes, red lightsaber at the ready.

            “Kylo!” you found yourself calling to him, and for a brief second, your eyes met.

            His expression softened and his eyebrows knit together. It was as though he was teetering on the edge of light and dark, and if you could _just_ get to him he would come back to you. Frantically you held out a shaking hand to him as the voice returned, the ancient whispers distorting the room. The smoke grew thicker until you saw nothing but the lightsaber, which was suddenly raised in the air to silence the voice.

            The room cleared, flashing red once more to reveal Kylo sitting on a dark throne, a solemn expression on his face.

            You woke with a start, gripping the sheets in a panic. Before you could compose yourself, a knock sounded at the door. “May I come in?” His voice was familiar.

            “Jeod!” You flung open the door, relieved to see your former mentor standing on the other side, gifting you a smile. Throwing your arms around the older man, you let out a sigh of relief.

            “Mercy, child, mercy.” You let him go with a smile, stepping back to allow him into the room.

            “Where is Maria?” you asked, inquiring of his wife. His smile faltered at the mention of her, but he nodded.

            “At home. She is not well, I am afraid. But she loves to sit outside in the garden. It brings her peace.” You felt a pang of worry for her, but you sensed that Jeod did not want to discuss the subject. He would tell you when he felt he could. That was the understanding between the two of you.

            “And you still work for the Resistance?”

            He shook his head. “Rarely. Only when there is a shortage of medics does Leia call for me. But now,” he looked at you, “she called me in to see to you.”

            You took a seat on your mattress, gesturing for him to sit beside you. “A lot has happened since I last wrote to you.”

            “I was worried something had happened to you, child. You have not written in months.”

            “I know…and I have a very good reason for it.” You spent the next half-hour explaining everything that had happened, Jeod listening intently and occasionally raising his eyebrows in surprise. He remained quiet until you finished.

            “So Ben Solo has become Kylo Ren. Leia’s son is…” he allowed his voice to trail off as this information sunk in. “And he saved your life.”

            “Yes.”

            “And now he has returned to the First Order.”

            You nodded silently.

            “I see. And how are you holding up?” There was a fatherly concern in his voice, and at the question, your strength seemed to leave you. He put an arm around you in comfort, allowing you to speak first.

            “I don’t know how I feel. How should I feel?”

            Jeod chuckled wryly. “I don’t think there is a handbook for this one.”

            You smiled despite yourself. Then, a thought came to you, all traces of humor gone. “I’m scared for him.”

            Jeod frowned. “It’s a dangerous occupation, but from what I have heard of Kylo Ren, he can handle it.”

            “I know that; I don’t doubt his skill. But he is so alone.”

            “He has made his choice, and that is for him to deal with. You need to go on with your life.”

            You clenched your jaw. “Jeod, what if Maria had made a terrible choice? What if she wanted to come back to you but thought herself unredeemable?”

            Jeod was silent for a moment. “I would do everything in my power to save her.”

            “Because you love her.”

            He nodded. “I do. But, child… saving someone who does not want to be saved…it will not end well.”

           

 

______________________ 

 

 

            The next few days proved difficult. You had forgotten how it felt to be surrounded by so many people, and part of you instinctively shrunk back. Nevertheless, you found ways to manage your new situation.

            The medbay was always busy, and Jeod had instructed you to take the lesser injuries. No-one had died at your hands, and for that you were grateful. Cleaning minor scrapes and stitching up lacerations was tiresome and unexciting, but you preferred it to the trauma unit.

            A few weeks in, you came across Poe Dameron again, the pilot with a curious history with Kylo Ren. You had picked up gossip that he was the best pilot of the Resistance and that he often flew top-secret missions for General Organa herself.

            “Medic.” He spoke coolly.

            “What can I help you with today?” you asked dryly as he took a seat in front of you.

            “Just a few stitches.” He held out his forearm, which was covered in a substantial amount of blood. You went to work in silence, washing his arm until the sliver of a cut remained. It was far less harmful than it had first appeared.

            “You don’t need stitches. It should heal fine; you will hardly even have a scar.”

            Poe took back his arm and fixed you with a curious stare. “Why are you here?”

            “If you disagree with my opinion, you are free to see another medic.”

            “I never said I disagreed. But you have been here three weeks and you have done nothing but stitch up papercuts. What made you so important that General Organa would oversee your arrival—and why would Commander Ren drop you off?”

            You glanced at his arm. “You did that to yourself.”

            He looked surprised. “Why do you think that?”

            “You don’t trust me. So you wanted to find a way to approach me that would seem organic,” you eyed him with amusement, “Good thing that you aren’t an interrogator; you are terrible at this.”

            The corners of his lips twitched a little. “I underestimated you.”

            “Happens to the best of us,” you told him lightly, “but I promise, you are wasting your time. I am of little consequence.”

            “Kylo Ren doesn’t seem to think so. I want to know why.”

            “If I knew what he thought my life would be far less complicated.”

            Poe narrowed his eyes, dark lashes falling over brown eyes. A pang of sadness flashed through you, but you willed it away.

            “I will be keeping my eyes on you.”

            “I’ll make sure to look my very best,” you shot back.

            Poe shook his head at you thoughtfully. “You know what—you should have lunch with us. We sit at the table in the back left corner.”

            You frowned at him. “I thought you were suspicious of me.”

            Poe shrugged. “Keep your enemies closer and all that. But I like you. You’re spirited, and if you are telling me the truth then you deserve a fresh start. If Leia trusts you so much, maybe I can learn too.”          

            You nodded at him. You could use some friends, but you wondered what kind of people Poe got along with.    

             

_____________________                                    

 

            Finn and Poe were very close, you noted. A subtle touch here, a lingering glance there… perhaps the pilot did have a softer side. You liked Finn right away. He asked no questions but held an air of understanding; he had been a Stormtrooper of the First Order before he had run away and joined the Resistance.

            Rey was difficult to read. She was also very close with Finn, although the two were clearly just friends. You felt that she was strong with the Force, and she wielded the lightsaber of Luke Skywalker. She invited you to train with her, and Kylo’s lightsaber seemed to grow heavy in your back pocket. Nevertheless, you declined. You were not ready. Not yet.

            The last person in the group was Rose. She was kind and had a bubbly personality, but her sadness was palpable. She would often touch the medallion at her neck, and you assumed that she had recently suffered a loss. Poor girl, she was also hopelessly in love with Finn.

            You decided that you liked them all. If you were to remain with the Resistance for the rest of your days, you might as well make some lifelong friends.

           

            “I didn’t know that Kylo Ren was so attractive,” Rose said casually one day as the five of you sat down for lunch.

            Rey choked on her drink, Poe glared, and Finn looked stunned. You simply raised your eyebrows, trying to mask your surprise.

            “Okay, okay, I know he is evil and all, but he does not look at all how I had pictured him.”

            “You  _pictured_ him?” Poe asked, almost sharply. You suppressed a laugh at his reaction.

            “What, you were never curious? This masked man, almost phantomlike, terrorizing the galaxy. You never wondered who he was?”

            Finn shook his head. “Say that again, but slowly.”

            Rose blushed, suddenly becoming very interested in her food.

            “I know what you mean,” Rey said, breaking the silence, “When he first took off his mask I was shocked by how young he was. I expected some old monster.”

            Poe groaned in protest. “Who cares about his age or how the man looks? The man is a traitor to his family and the Resistance. That is all I need to know.”

            This conversation was growing uncomfortable for you, but you held your tongue.

            “You know they call him the _Jedi Killer_?” Finn said, looking around the table, “He killed all of the Jedi.”

            Murmers of acknowledgment floated around the table, but as his words registered with you slowly, they garnered disbelief. “No. That’s not true.”

            All eyes fell on you, and you realized that you should not have spoken. Poe looked confused. “How would you know?”

            You closed your eyes, chastising yourself for your carelessness. “I trained with him under Luke Skywalker.”

            Rey gasped. Everyone else kept their shock more concealed, but they all had turned to you expectantly.

            “You knew Luke Skywalker? Do you know where he is now? Are you a Jedi?” she asked her questions faster than you could answer. Finally, a hush fell over your friends as they waited for you to explain yourself.

            “I knew him as Master Skywalker, but that was seven years ago. I do not know if he lives or not, or where he could be. And no, I am no Jedi.”

            “But you trained with Ben Solo…” Poe seemed to understand now, “And he brought you here safely. But why?”

            So you explained. You told them of your romance with the young Solo, your child, your history with the Resistance and how all of that had led to your life on Naboo. You spoke of your arrest, the price on your head, and Supreme Leader Snoke. And then, after a long pause, you told them how Kylo had helped you escape.

            When you had finished, you waited for their reactions; you had no idea what to expect. Finn stood up, and for a second you thought that he might leave. Instead, he motioned for you to stand, wrapping his arms around you. The others joined and held you as you sobbed. 

            It was quite a scene you had made in the dining hall, but you didn’t care. It was although this great weight had been lifted off your chest. You finally had a group of people who accepted you, past and all, and cared for you nonetheless. Perhaps you could really be happy.

 

            But in the back of your mind, the words _Jedi Killer_ hung ominously.

 

________________________

 

            The next few days passed in a blur. You and Rey had begun your training together. She knew things that she had not been taught, at least not directly. You passed on what little knowledge you had left of Luke’s training, but for the most part, the two of you figured things out together.

            Throughout your exercises, you noticed something in her, a little darkness, and it worried you. It was well hidden, but when she was frustrated her actions were not that of a Jedi. She was not composed or at peace. Instead, she was wild and fierce, screaming as she moved with the ‘saber. For what she lacked in precision, she made up for in passion.

            You swung Ben’s ‘saber at her and it connected with her blue one. The feeling of wielding a lightsaber was foreign to you now. Adrenaline flooded your sharpened senses and your hyper-vigilance returned. You had forgotten how much you had loved it.

            Rey spun around, aiming from above and catching you off guard. At the last second, you flung the ‘saber above your head to block the attack.

            “Nice,” she grinned at you, lowering her weapon.

            “You too,” you smiled back, shaking your head at how close of a call that had been. There was something unnerving about sparring with actual lightsabers. Exhilarating, but unnerving.

            As the two of you left the training room, a blur of movement caught your eye. Leia was walking toward you from the stands, a grave expression on her face. The always stoic general rarely showed what she felt; she kept her emotions to herself so that she could lead. But now, something had happened.

            “I’ll catch up with you later,” you told Rey, who nodded and headed out the doors with a firm salute.

            You met Leia halfway, anxious about what she might tell you. She didn’t say anything when you reached each other but instead extended a white slip of paper. You hastily unfolded it, your eyes falling on Kylo’s familiar cursive.

 

            _General Organa,_

_Snoke is no more. She is free to return to Naboo._

_I am indebted to you._

_I intend to repay it,_

_Supreme Leader Ren_

 

            Your eyes widened as you reread the note. 

            “He killed Snoke,” you breathed.

            Leia nodded. “It appears so.” _Supreme Leader Ren_

            “Does this mean…if he commands the First Order…you are direct enemies?”

            “We have been on opposing sides for quite some time,” Leia said quietly, tucking the note into her pocket.

            “But now you both lead them. He could never go against you like that. He is free from Snoke. He could come home.”

            Leia smiled wistfully. “He can always come home. But killing Snoke will only have solidified his connection to the Dark Side, even if he did it for you.”

            Your eyes widened. Your dream. You had dreamt of him killing Snoke. You had dreamt of his return to total darkness. “Then I need to go to him.”

            Leia frowned. “It is too dangerous.”

            “He won’t hurt me,” you argued.

            “I agree. I don’t think he will. I believe that you are the one person he loves. But there is darkness in him, a darkness that I could never have imagined,” she told you, “And I cannot send you after him knowing that the last person I sent never came back.”

            You blinked at her, waiting for her to explain. Then, it dawned on you _. Last year…Han tried to bring me home…I lost my family by my own hand, and I am a monster._ Kylo’s words came back to you. He had told you himself, although he could not bring himself to say it out loud. He had killed his own father, and he would never forgive himself.

            “Han.”

            Leia’s gaze snapped to yours. “He told you?”

            “More or less. But what I do know is that he regrets it. He thinks himself a monster.”

            The other woman was silent for a moment. A single tear rolled down her face as she reached out to embrace you. “You come back to me, you understand?”

            You nodded. “I promise.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhhhhhhhh i am literally the worst. who the hell writes a story, doesn't update for 20 days, then ends up panicking and subsequentially throws something together in a little over an hour? big spoiler: we are talking about my dumbass here. i am so sorry. truly. 
> 
> i'd love to promise that my updates will be regular and often, but i've found that it is hard to disappoint when you set the bar really low. 
> 
> (will edit later for choppiness, clarity, and glaringly obvious grammar mistakes.)
> 
> next chapter will be up soon. x


	10. The First Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You venture behind enemy lines to find Kylo Ren.

 

            Seven hours. That is how long you had been in the cramped shuttle. At first, you had been too afraid to so much as breathe, as if every breath might shake the small craft into a sudden downward spiral. Still, you were determined to reach Kylo Ren. What exactly you intended to do when you found him—you hadn’t figured that out yet.

            Leia’s words stuck with you as the _Supremacy_ loomed over you, casting a shadow over the small shuttle in which you sat. _Killing Snoke will only have solidified his connection to the Dark Side_.  

            If Kylo had truly turned to the Dark Side, he would be detached and cold, you knew. Likely driven by paranoia and fear, he would be difficult to get to. You would have to figure out a way to get through to him—and you knew that if anyone could get him to let his guard down it was you.

            “Well, here we are.” Poe cast an uneasy glance in your direction, “Say the word and I’ll turn this thing around.”

            “I need to do this, and not just for Kylo Ren. If I am successful a truce could be negotiated between the First Order and The Resistance.”

            Poe snorted. “Wishful thinking. Ren interrogated me last year. Made me _wish_ that I was dead. The man I met does not have any intention to surrender.”

            Your stomach churned. “He has done terrible things, I know, but there is still good in him. I can bring him back; I know I can.”

            Poe was silent for a moment. “I hope you’re right,” he said finally. You looked at your friend and saw, for the first time, genuine worry in his eyes. A beeping cut through the air, preventing you from responding.

            “This is General Hux of the First Order. Identify yourself,” a familiar voice crackled over the shuttle’s intercom. Poe motioned urgently for you to speak.

            “I am here to see Supreme Leader Ren. I have an urgent communications message for him.” You could picture the General narrowing his icy blue eyes at this.

            “Regarding?”

            You wracked your brain for a believable response. “The medic...”

            There was a long pause, and with every passing second Poe’s hands tightened more on the yoke, ready to spring into action if need be. You felt yourself tense at the hesitation, wishing desperately that the General would speak—one way or the other. Perhaps he would simply blast you out of the sky without warning. That seemed like a very First Order-like thing to do.

            “Permission to approach,” Hux almost grumbled, breaking the tense silence. At this, Poe nodded to you, offering a reassuring pat on the back as you quickly slipped yourself into the transport pod. You had prepared for this; you would be transported to the ship while Poe made his ample getaway. There was little time to act and even less time for proper goodbyes, but you knew that you would see the brusque Resistance pilot again.

            The pod itself was cramped and hot, made almost entirely out of glass with little air circulation. As it was ejected from the shuttle, you crossed your arms protectively around yourself and closed your eyes. You could feel yourself drifting towards the mothership, being pulled in as if you were tied on a string. There was no turning back now.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

            As soon as you were on board, you were surrounded. The Stormtroopers escorted you to General Hux, who looked quite surprised, if not entirely displeased, to see you. “The medic. Clever.” Was all he said.

            After getting over his initial shock, the General promptly ordered his white-clad minions to search you. The search went on for longer than comfortable, and you noticed Hux’s eyes loitering on your body. Once he was satisfied that you posed no threat, the General handcuffed you himself, pushing you forwards in a somewhat rough manner.

             “You better pray that the Supreme Leader doesn’t crucify you for this interruption,” he snarled, leading you once more through the maze of identical looking halls.

            “You better pray he doesn’t crucify _you_ for handling me this way,” you snapped back, wincing as the cuffs dug deeper into your skin. Hux did not appreciate the feedback.

            “You will regret speaking to me in such a matter.”

            You didn’t respond, but you made no move to apologize, either. General Hux had been ready to kill you before, and while he had been following orders, you held it very much against him.

            You were brought to an abrupt halt in front of the pair of looming red doors. Two dark figures stood on either side of them, their features well hidden behind shrouded cowls and their heads dipped low. You recognized them as members of the Knights of Ren. 

            “The doors, you fools!” Hux said shrilly, his voice an octave higher than usual. The Knights complied, each pushing open a heavy door to reveal the red throne room.  

            As you were escorted into the room, your eyes fell on Kylo, who sat apathetically upon his dark throne. When he saw you; however, his lips parted slightly and his eyes widened a fraction. Clearly, you were the last person he had expected to see being whisked into his domain. You wondered if he was glad to see you. You couldn’t tell.

            Hux took you roughly by the arm and paraded you boastfully through the room. Kylo’s eyes darkened at this, but he said nothing.

            “Supreme Leader—”

            Kylo raised a hand to silence him. He surveyed you cryptically, his face now impassive and devoid of any sign of affection. He sat how Snoke once had, regally with an air of arrogance.

            “What are you doing here?” he asked finally. Hearing the sound of his deep voice again sent inadvertent waves of relief rolling over you—but you forced yourself to focus. _He may not be on your side at all. He may be a completely different man._ Uneasily, you glanced around the room, slightly thrown by the dozens of Knights who lined the walls, weapons in hand.  

            “I need to talk to you,” you croaked, clearing your throat softly, “it’s important.”

            “Are you here on behalf of the Resistance?” he asked sharply. You were taken aback by the heated accusation in his tone.

            “No.”

            He didn’t seem convinced.

            “Please,” you begged him.  

            After a moment, he nodded, rising from his throne. “General, you are dismissed. And next time, _refrain_ from using the handcuffs.”

            “Yes, Supreme Leader.” Hux dipped his head, looking like he had just swallowed something sour. He turned with head held high and arms folded behind his back and you heard an unusually loud slam of the doors as he briskly exited the throne room.  

            Kylo then moved behind you to undo your restraints. His warm breath tickled your ear as he leaned judiciously over you, careful not to let his hands linger on yours for too long. After the pressure of the cuffs was released, you rubbed your skin where it had been chafed raw. Rings of red marked your wrists. You caught Kylo frowning at them before swiftly straightening up and gesturing for you to follow him.   

           

 

* * *

 

 

 

            He led you into a connecting room that appeared to be the chambers of the Supreme Leader. They were lavish and magnanimous, much like everything that had once belonged to Snoke. He had been a very extravagant leader. But you supposed the First Order was able to be extravagant, having the most wealth and resources in the galaxy.

            Minutes stretched between the two of you as Kylo leaned against the wall, deep in thought. You were seated on his bed, opposite him, fidgeting with your hands. In the seven hours you had flown here to have this interaction, you could have come up with _something_ to say. There had been so much that you had wanted to tell him, so many rehearsed conversations, but now that you sat before him you were at a complete loss.

            “Do you not want me here?” You meant for it to be flip, but your voice sounded small, even to you. His stoic expression softened considerably at the hurt in your tone.

            “Is that what you think?”

            “What am I supposed to think?”

            “I thought I would never see you again,” he admitted quietly, half to himself.

            “You didn’t even say goodbye.”

            “I know,” he clenched his jaw, staring at the ground. For a second, you thought that he might say something else, but he didn’t.

            The torment in him remained unchanged, but Leia was right; he had chosen his side. His eyes had been cold and almost unfeeling as he sat high above the First Order, but when he looked at you saw compassion there. Kylo Ren was not dangerous because he felt nothing; he was dangerous because he felt too much. He could mask his emotions around his subordinates, but around you, it had become second nature for him to allow himself to let his façade drop.

            “So you are the Supreme Leader now?”

            He raised his gaze to meet yours. “Did you come here to discuss my position?”

            “Yes,” you rolled your eyes at him, “I traveled across the galaxy to confirm that you got a promotion.” He ignored this.

            “Snoke is no longer a threat to you. You can return to Naboo,” he studied you for a moment, “But you know this. So why are you here?”

            Your cheeks flushed. “I cannot go back to Naboo and continue as if nothing happened.”

            “You liked it there.”

            “Yes.”

            “I don’t understand.”

            “I was alone there, Kylo. I hid myself away because I was afraid,” you paused, getting to your feet, “but I’m not afraid anymore.”

            He listened intently, his brows knit together in confusion. “What can I offer you here?”

            “Just you.”

             His entire face changed at this.

            “I want you,” you confirmed. The firmness in your voice surprised even you, and Kylo seemed even more caught off-guard. He didn’t say anything, and your heart dropped in your chest. Did he not want you anymore? Oh, Maker, this was humiliating. Your cheeks flushed and you lowered your gaze. “But if…if you don’t feel the same way then I will go.”

            His silence hurt you more than words ever could. You waited as the seconds passed, looking up at him. He was looking back at you with resignation. So you turned to leave, slowly at first, tears pricking your eyes. You ran from him and out of the throne room, uncaring of the Knights of Ren who watched you leave. General Hux was waiting outside.

            The General raised his eyebrows at you. “Ready to go?”

            You were breathing hard at this point, thoughts racing. No, you could not give up this easily. You had not come all this way to face some sort of obligated rejection. You needed to be persistent. For Kylo. For the Resistance.

            The doors from behind you flew open, causing Hux’s eye to twitch in alarm. Kylo stood on the threshold, a panicked look in his eyes. The panic dissolved as soon as he saw you.

            “Don’t go. Stay. Stay here with me,” he swallowed hard, “Please.” The uncertainty in his tone was unnerving, and you knew that he felt as you just had moments ago.

            So you smiled at him in reassurance. “Yes. I will. Of course I will.” The anxiety in his eyes dissipated into something akin to disbelief as if he had been expecting a different reaction. He searched your face, looking for sincerity.

            “I—”

            “You cannot be serious,” Hux interjected. You had almost forgotten that the General’s unwanted presence still stood next to you. Kylo looked at him, clearly sharing your sentiments, irritation plain in his features.

            “General, you are here to give your technological expertise, not your opinion.” 

            The General cast a resentful look in your direction. “Ren—Supreme Leader—is it truly wise to allow yourself to indulge in such… _distractions_ at a time like this? The First Order is in a time of transition; it is important that our cause has your full attention.”

            “Do you question my methods?”

            “No, Supreme Leader, I just meant that—”

            “You just meant _what_?” There was a dangerous edge to Kylo’s tone, and as much as you disliked Hux, you were momentarily worried for him. You never wanted to be on the receiving end of Kylo’s wrath.

            “Nothing at all. Carry on.”

            Kylo’s expression grew stormier with each response. “ _Carry on_? Are you under the impression that you give me orders, _General_?”

            He did not answer.

            “Because if that is the case, I think I should remind you what I am capable of.”

            Hux scowled. “There is no need, _Supreme Leader_.” You noticed the condescending way he enunciated Kylo’s title. Kylo noticed too. You felt a surge of rage through the Force, lashing and pricking. 

            “I will decide what is necessary. For instance,” he flung out a hand and sent Hux reeling back into a wall, “ _that_ was necessary. Your position here, on the other hand, well… _not quite as necessary_.”

            The General rubbed the back of his head, dazed. Satisfied, Kylo’s hand fell protectively to the small of your back as he ushered you back into the throne room and away from prying eyes. You could feel the fury that he struggled to contain, so you moved closer to him, allowing your shoulders to brush as you walked. At your touch, his churning emotions quieted. The sensations dulled significantly until you could only feel a trickle of anger emanating from Kylo.

            Glancing over your shoulder, you saw General Hux scramble to his feet, unfiltered hatred held firmly in his searing gaze as he watched the two of you leave before the red doors fell shut.

 

 

* * *

 

           

            The room of the Supreme Leader was tucked away behind the throne room. It seemed safe, guarded by an entire room of Knights, and you briefly wondered how Kylo had managed to assassinate Snoke. Those eerie red guards that protected him had seemed even more ominous than even the Knights of Ren. Perhaps Kylo had employed the help of his followers in killing his former master. It only made sense.

              “I need to attend to a few…pressing matters. I will be back as soon as I can with dinner,” Kylo said apologetically, casting a weary look at the door.

            “Okay,” you said simply, trying not to let your disappointment show. You hated watching him leave. But he was essentially the ruler of the galaxy, and you were showing up unannounced. Of course he was busy.

            “Make yourself…at home,” he said somewhat stiffly, unsure of what to say. He glanced around the room. “Everything I have is yours,” he continued, recovering a little.

            “Why thank you, Supreme Leader.”

            His lips twitched. “See you soon. Stay out of trouble.”  
           

            You sat on the bed long after he had left, wondering where you went from here. From what you knew, Kylo had securely surrounded himself in darkness. He was power-hungry, angry, and likely threatened by the conniving General Hux. Persuading him to forge a truce with the Resistance would prove difficult, and bringing him back with you seemed improbable, if not entirely impossible. He was afraid, you realized, perhaps even of you. Power made him paranoid about losing it, and if you so much as mentioned the Rebels you were certain you would lose his trust entirely.

            Things were not entirely hopeless, however. You were here. He had let you in. And as long as you were by his side you would not let him revel alone in darkness, anger, and fear. If he had no light, then you would be his light. No matter how long it took, you would wait for him. _Because he was worth saving_.

            Jeod’s words shined unsteadily in the back of your mind, but you pushed them aside. Kylo Ren was not a lost cause. He had risked everything to rescue you, so now you would do the same. You just had to figure out how.

            A noise called your attention to the far corner of the room. You frowned at the little table where something had sounded. As you approached it, you realized that it was a calligraphy pen that had fallen to the floor. Picking it up, you placed it firmly back in its holder. You smiled at the scrolls of writing that were strewn over the table. Many were scribbled out or thrown to the floor in frustration, but the ones that had been spared from his wrath were beautiful. Kylo’s familiar and well-practiced penmanship brought you a glimmer of hope. Some things never change. Ben Solo had loved his calligraphy.

            Tucked under his many papers, the corner of a photograph was visible. Curious, you pulled it out, causing many more to float down to the floor. You picked one up. It had been ripped down the middle at one point, but it had since been mended. Young Ben Solo sat on his father’s shoulders, his arms reaching to the sky. Both father and son looked blissfully happy. The next one. Years later—a photo of you and Ben. It had been taken in the city of Hanna on a break from training. His arm was casually slung over your shoulder and a lopsided grin graced his features as you smiled up at him. The next one you saw was a family portrait. Ben was little more than a toddler, his black curly hair a mess atop his head. He stood proudly next to his mother, whose hand rested quietly on his shoulder. On the other side of Leia, Han Solo kissed his wife on the cheek. In his arms was the other Solo twin, with her identical raven locks and dark eyes. You tucked the photos back where you had found them, a pang of sadness flashing through you. 

            Suddenly, you were aware of another presence in the room. You abruptly stood up from where you had been crouched on the floor, inadvertently surprising the unsuspecting intruder.

            “Hux?”

            The man whirled around, momentarily stunned. “Would you stop that? Sneaking up on me?” he snapped, “And it is _General_ Hux to you.”

            “Alright, General Hux, what is it that you are doing in here, exactly?”

            “Official business,” the General said stiffly, holding up a Holopad.

            You scoffed, wondering if the Knights of Ren had bought that story.  “Sure, me too.”

            He eyed you with disdain. “Sleeping with the Supreme Leader is hardly official business.”

             You raised your eyebrows at this. “Neither is breaking into his bedchambers. Unless, of course, you are sleeping with him too. In which case, we should probably set some ground rules.”

            Hux took a threatening step towards you. “I am your superior, do you understand me? You are _nothing_. Soon Ren will move on to some other wench and you will be off this ship before you can even blink.”

            “That isn’t true.”

            “Ren needs an heir, and unless you are ready to birth a child,” he sneered at you, “I’d start packing.”

            “Are you really that threatened by me?” you asked innocently, taking a step closer to him as well. You would not be daunted by him, no matter how venomous his character was.

            “By a mistress? Hardly”, Hux reached out to trace a finger down your jaw, “But if you want to stay here, you had better learn your place. You are his mistress, not the Empress. Nothing more than a filthy… whore.” Your entire body tensed at the contact. The way he was looking at you made you feel dirty and wrong, somehow. Without thinking, you stretched your fingers out behind you, reaching out to the Force. Hux dropped his hand.

            “What do you think—”

            Kylo’s calligraphy pen flew into your hand and you firmly tightened your fist around it, pointing the sharp end towards the General. He looked momentarily thrown, looking at you and the pen, and back to you again. Evidently, he hadn’t known that you could use the Force.

            He composed himself hastily. “What are you going to do? Stab me with a pen?”      

            “Just get out,” you said coolly. For a second you thought that he might lunge at you, but instead he gave you a chilly look and stormed out of the room, his sharp footsteps following him out.

            You let the pen clatter to the floor, your hand shaking slightly. Something about Hux made you uneasy, and making an enemy your first day aboard the _Supremacy_ didn’t sit well with you either.

            Somehow, you would get through this. Kylo would come back to you. But until then, you had to watch yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be more of kylo in the next chapter x

**Author's Note:**

> There will be some smut in flashbacks with good ol' Ben Solo, and a slow burn with the infamous Kylo Ren. Bon Appetit.


End file.
